Lord of the Taters II
by The Hobbit Lass
Summary: Parody of The Two Towers, sequel to Lord of the Taters, though you don't have to read that. The insanity continues! Helm's Deep is a pathetic shack, Denethor makes appearances, and the Wraiths ride on tater tots!
1. The Strangeness Continues

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. I'm not even sure I own myself, which is pretty pathetic.

This is the sequel to my Fellowship of the Ring parody _Lord of the Taters_. You don't absolutely _have_ to read the first Lord of the Taters, but it would be better if you do (and review it, please!)

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Chapter One: The Strangeness Continues 

Frodo Baggins the Magical Hob, and Samwise Gamgee, also a Magical Hob, had run away from their five companions and were now traveling alone on their own journey. Their journey, however, was being postponed at the moment while they busily slept.

Frodo was sleeping soundly, deep within a very odd dream. In the dream, he was wandering around what appeared to be Elrond's bedroom. Gandalf sat in a chair, smoking his pipe.

"Gandalf!" cried Frodo. The image of Gandalf flickered and disappeared.

"I'm not Gandalf, you're Gandalf!" Sam protested.

"I'm not Gandalf, he's Gandalf!" said Frodo, pointing at Thingum.

"Nice Hobses!" croaked Thingum. He then ran off.

Suddenly, Grima Wormtongue came running through the room, screaming, "Get out of my way! Hazardous material coming through!" He stopped running, picked up Sam, and swallowed him.

"SAM!" Frodo cried in distress.

"Mwahaha!" Grima laughed. He suddenly melted into a puddle of ice cream. Frodo touched the puddle of ice cream and it turned into Gandalf.

"Odorf!" said Gandalf. "Doog ot ees uoy!"

"Huh?" Frodo was very confused, as he did not understand backwards language.

Gandalf started to dance around the room. "Fish, fish, it's good for your soul, down your throat and out your hole!" He burst into flame and disappeared.

"He's really most sincerely dead!" sang Thingum.

Frodo jumped around excitedly and burst into song. "Ding-dong, the wizard's dead, the wizard's dead, the wizard's dead, ding-dong, the- ACHOO!"

Suddenly, Frodo woke up. "That has got to be the weirdest dream I've ever had in the history of my entire existence."

Sam, hearing Frodo's voice, woke up. "What are you doing, Mr. Frodo?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I just woke up!"

"Alright, Mr. Frodo, relax."

"I guess we'd better start traveling again," Frodo sighed. He got to his feet and he and Sam started to walk until they came to a cliff. "Uh-oh," said Frodo.

"Never fear, rope is here!" cried Sam, pulling some rope of his pack.

"Sam, that rope looks extremely poorly made," Frodo commented. "And it's all tattered and frayed and moldy."

Sam shrugged. "Don't blame me. Galadriel's the one who gave it to me." Sam uncoiled his rope and tied it securely. "You go first, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo slid down on the rope and landed at the bottom. He suddenly let out a loud scream. "AAAAGGGHHH!" He waved his hands around wildly.

"What is it, Mr. Frodo?"

"I'VE GOT ROPE BURN! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!" Frodo slapped his hands on a rock, trying to get rid of the sting in them. "Ow, it won't go away!"

"Quit your complaining, Mr. Frodo." Sam then began to climb down on the rope. When he was about a quarter of the way down, something suddenly fell out of his pocket.

"What the heck is that?" Frodo asked.

"Just catch it!"

"But my hands still hurt really bad!" Frodo failed to catch the little box and it shattered into a million billion trillion pieces. "What was in that thing anyway?"

Sam shrugged. "I dunno. Must not have been that important." He continued his descent down the rope. When he was halfway down, the bad-quality rope suddenly snapped, and Sam went crashing to the ground. "Ow! Could you help me get up, Mr. Frodo?"

"No way! Are you crazy? This horrible rope burn has made it impossible for me to use my hands for at least a few hours!"

"Fine, I'll help myself." Sam got to his feet and an odd scent met his nose. "Hey, something smells kind of like Aragorn."

"If it smells like Aragorn, then it must smell pretty bad," Frodo said. He sniffed the air. "Eew!"

"I wonder what it is?"

"I don't know." Frodo sniffed again. "Ow, my poor, sensitive nostrils!" He collapsed to the ground, tightly clutching his nose.

"Mr. Frodo, are you all right?"

"Does it look like it?"

"It's the tater, isn't it?"

Frodo took his tater out of his pocket and sniffed it. "No Sam, I don't think it is. Maybe it's you! You don't have body odor, do you?"

"No way!" Sam denied. "Only people like Aragorn have body odor!"

"Well somebody around here didn't use deodorant," Frodo observed. "Aw, who cares? I'm tired."

"But you've had a full half already!"

Frodo stared at Sam. "_What?_"

Sam looked rather puzzled. "Did I just say that?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Must have been a random outburst."

"Well that was uncanny," Frodo said. "Anyway, I'm tired."

"But you've just slept for twelve hours! _Twelve hours_, Mr. Frodo! And you're telling me that you need more sleep?"

Frodo yawned. "Yes. Now let's go over there by that highly conspicuous area and have a rest!"

Sam crossed his arms stubbornly. "You can rest, Mr. Frodo, but I'm not!"

"Suit yourself, Sam." Frodo dropped to his knees and dragged himself over to his chosen resting spot. He closed his eyes and was snoring instantly.

Sam plopped down on the ground and decided to count how many dirt particles were on the ground. "One, two, three, four, five, six..."

The two Magical Hobs thought they were completely alone, but they were quite wrong. Thingum crept out of the shadows, muttering to himself. "We smells deodorant, we does, precious. Smells clean and fresh like wicked elveses!"

Frodo continued to snore and talk in his sleep. "Zzzzz... I'm not like you, Bilbo... zzzzzzzzz..."

Sam was still counting dirt particles. "Four thousand and one, four thousand and two, four thousand and three..."

Thingum crept closer. "Where is my tater?" He sniffed around. "Aha!" He spotted Frodo and made his way over to him.

Frodo did not awake. "Zzzz... Frodo had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb... zzzzz... ...it's fleece was white as snow..."

Sam continued to be absorbed in his counting. "Nine million and ninety-eight, nine million and ninety-nine, uh... Hey, what's comes after nine million and ninety-nine? Mr. Frodo?" He looked at his companion and saw Thingum bending over him. "Hey!"

Thingum turned around and looked at Sam. "Our tater!" he screeched. He attacked Sam and the two of them engaged in a brutal wrestling match.

Due to all of the noise going on, Frodo woke up. "Where am I? What is the time? Fish sticks!"

"Mr. Frodo, I could use some help here!" yelled Sam, who was trying to remove Thingum's hands from around his throat.

"Frodo to the rescue!" Frodo cried, whipping out his handy-dandy plastic butterknife. Thingum let go of Sam, grabbed Frodo's plastic knife, and started gnawing on it.

"Hey, give that back!" Frodo yelled. He took back his knife and swatted Thingum on the head with it. He then grabbed him by the arm and sniffed him. "Eew! Here's the source of that terrible smell!"

Thingum grinned. "Of course it is, precious. We doesn't use deodorant!"

"Well that doesn't matter. You have to show us the way to Mulchdor!"

"Why?"

"Because Gandalf told me to go there."

"Why?"

"Because it's vital to the plot."

"Why?"

"Shut up and swear to serve me forever!"

"Oh fine. We serves you and takeses you to Mulchdor. Happy?"

"Yep," said Frodo. "Now Sam, where's that rope?"

"I ate it, Mr. Frodo."

"WHAT?"

"I had to eat that rope, begging your pardon! It was my destiny!"

Frodo shrugged. "Well then we'll have to use your intestines as a rope instead. I'm sorry, Sam."

Sam suddenly looked terrified. "Wait a minute? My intestines?"

Thingum decided to make his own suggestion. "Why don't stupid Hobses just forget the rope?"

Frodo smiled at Thingum. "You know, I never thought of that! Great idea! Now let's go to Mulchdor!" And so the two Magical Hobs and the creature Thingum skipped off into the sunset. Actually, there was no sun, and they didn't know how to skip, but those facts are unimportant.

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Well, that's the first chapter. Review, please! 


	2. Can Metal Leaves Flutter?

Chapter Two: Can Metal Leaves Flutter?

While Frodo and Sam battled with evil Thingums and horrible body odor, Merry and Pippin were being taken across Horseyland by an army of Super Sporks.

The Super Sporks were mean and nasty and liked to gnaw on pieces of human flesh. They also carried rusty weapons, and being cut with a rusty weapon can cause blood poisoning! Gasp!

Merry happened to be unconscious, as he was hit on the head very hard. He would survive though, because that was not the only time in his life that he had been hit in the head. A long time ago, when he was very young, his parents dropped him and his head struck the floor. He was never the same again.

Pippin was uninjured and wide awake, which meant that he had to be subjected to the ugliness of the Super Sporks.

Not all of the Sporks were Super Sporks. Some of them were Wimpy Sporks and northerners who served Sauron. One of these was Grishnakh, and he was the ugliest Spork of them all.

"Can I go stab the Magical Hobs with my incredibly rusty and equally lethal knife?" he pleaded.

"No," said the Chief Super Spork.

"Please?"

"No! We have to keep them alive so that Skittleman the Many Colored can get the tater and use it for his own dark and sinister purposes."

Grishnakh was not a follower of Skittleman and thought this was a stupid idea. "Skittleman can't do anything! He's just a stupid wizard who lives in a pathetic little tree-house!"

"Hey, he's planning on building a tower someday! He just can't afford the materials right now. That's why he needs the tater, so that he can control the universe and make everybody pay him taxes!"

"Is that really part of his plan?"

The Chief Super Spork nodded. "And then after that, he's going to evolve a race of horrible creatures made of cheese!"

"Cheese? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of."

"I agree!" shouted a Spork. "So do I!" various others shouted.

"Well we think it's a ingenious idea!" yelled several Super Sporks. Soon, they all became engaged in a terrible argument, in which there was a lot of head chopping and loss of limbs.

Pippin watched the entire thing and thought that it was extremely stupid to be fighting and killing over something so ridiculous.

The vicious stabbing and chopping eventually died down, and the Chief Super Sporks said, "Okay everybody! Get a move on!"

Pippin and Merry were picked up and the Super Sporks went on their way. Pippin was forced to listen to the Super Sporks' annoying, meaningless chatter.

"Aragorn!" one of them shouted. "Haha, I had a random outburst!"

"Aragorn?" said Pippin.

"Yes!"

"Where?" Pippin asked.

"There!"

"There?"

"Yep, over there somewhere. Filthy Ranger must have caught our scent!"

One of the other Super Sporks, out of boredom, was attempting to sing. "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of... Isengard!"

"You're singing off-key," Pippin pointed out.

"What do you know, you stupid Magical Hob?" the Super Spork snarled. "Be quiet shorty, and no more talking from you!"

"But I like talking!" Pippin protested.

"Well I don't! And if you don't be quiet, I'll rip you limb from limb and eat you!"

"But you're not supposed to harm us!" said Pippin, grinning.

The Super Spork made a rude gesture. "Darn it!"

After a while, Pippin noticed that Merry had not yet revived. He poked the Super Spork that was carrying him. "Hey, can you help my friend? He's mortally wounded and he'll die if you don't help him within five minutes." He was exaggerating, but those idiot Super Sporks would believe anything.

"He looks fine to me," said the Super Spork that was carrying Merry.

"Yeah, but if you don't heal him, he might throw up on you or something," Pippin said.

"Crud, I don't want that to happen! Quick, somebody get that reviving stuff!" The Super Spork set Merry down and forced some strange, possibly lethal concoction down his throat. The medicine was so strong that it actually caused Merry to vomit all over the Super Spork.

The Super Spork screamed out a long string of incredibly naughty words. Once he calmed down, he shoved Merry at another Super Spork and ran off by himself.

Merry grinned. "I've always wanted to do that."

Pippin then decided that he greatly disliked the annoying little brooch that was fastened to his cloak. He ripped it off, let go, and it fluttered to the ground.

"Hey," said a Super Spork, "how can it _flutter _to the ground if it's made of metal and stuff? Oh well!" And he continued running with everyone else.


	3. Dastardly Acts of Evil

Chapter Three: Dastardly Acts of Evil

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were running around in their search for the army of Super Sporks. "Hey, look!" said Aragorn. "I smell so bad that even the flies are keeping away from me!"

"And I thought my gas was pretty lethal..." Gimli muttered.

"Aragorn, why don't you just bathe?" asked Legolas, the expert on grooming. "It would do everyone a lot of good!"

"Shut your trap, elf boy."

"No, I won't shut my trap! Not until you clean up!"

"I can't bathe until I'm king!" Aragorn explained in frustration. "I made a vow when I became a Ranger and went out into the wild, okay?"

Legolas was not listening, however, as he was busy braiding his hair.

"Stupid elf."

"Hey, I think the Super Sporks are speeding up," Gimli commented.

"Oh. They must have caught our scent or something," said Aragorn.

"Of course they have!" exclaimed Legolas. "You reek so bad that it can be smelled from a mile away! Which is another reason why you should bathe!"

Aragorn crossed his arms defiantly. "Well I'm sorry if it's causing everyone problems, but I refuse! Now Legolas, go over and try to see where those Super Sporks are headed.

"Why should I do it?"

"You have the best eyesight?"

The elf blushed modestly. "Well yes, actually I do! Alright, fine. I'll go over and have a look." Legolas leaned forward, trying to see. He ended up leaning too far and fell flat on his face. "Ouchies!"

Aragorn and Gimli laughed so hard that they nearly exploded.

Legolas angrily got to his feet and anxiously ran his fingers through his hair. He and his two companions then started running again.

Aragorn suddenly tripped over something. "Hey! What was that?" He picked up Pippin's brooch. "Hey, this thing looks kind of familiar..."

"That's because you have one just like it!" Legolas snapped irritably.

Aragorn looked down at the brooch on his cloak. "Oh yeah. Well, I don't know what this means, but we should hurry."

"But I'm hungry!" Gimli complained. "And tired!"

"Well too bad!" Aragorn gave Gimli a shove in the back. "Now go faster!"

oOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile, in the dastardly land of Isengard, Skittleman the Many Colored was having a Destructo-Fest. "Kill all the trees!" he ordered.

Suddenly, an irritating environmentalist Spork popped up and screamed, "NOOOO! THOSE TREES HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE! SAVE THE TREES! PROTECT THE FOREST! SAVE THE-" He was promptly killed by Skittleman. "Stupid treehugging environmentalist..."

"I agree, master," said a Spork.

"Shut your mouth," said Skittleman.

In his foggy and mysterious past, Skittleman had once been a lumberjack for a time. It was this that helped make him the vicious tree killer that he had become. Once a lumberjack, always a lumberjack, as the saying goes.

Skittleman was watching everything from inside his tree-house. "This is my greatest act of evil ever!"

"Really, Mr. Skittleman?" asked Sam.

Skittleman gasped and did several double-takes. "How the _heck_ did _you_ get here?"

"I was endowed with teleporting powers!" the Magical Hob replied cheerfully. "I don't know how it happened, but it's pretty cool!"

"You're being very disruptive."

Sam's face fell. "I am, Mr. Skittleman?"

"Don't call me Mr. Skittleman."

"Sorry, Mr. Skittleman.

Skittleman sighed. "Just get out of here now!" He grabbed a fly swatter and started chasing Sam around the tree-house with it.

"Eep!" squealed Sam. "By rights I shouldn't even be here!" He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

Skittleman summoned a group of Sporks over to him. "We need to improve the security. Magical Hobs are finding their way in here."

"Yes, master!"

"Now where was I...?" muttered Skittleman. "Oh yes, I have to go brainwash some wild men." He climbed down the tree-house and approached a group of filthy, ranting wild people. "Hello, dearly beloved citizens of Uncivilizedville! Those people of Horseyland are jerks, and therefore you should kill them!"

"Aye! Great idear!" and the wild men formed an angry mob and ran away. The angry mob eventually found a pathetic, completely defenseless village and proceeded in slaughtering everyone.

A random village woman and her random village children ran outside. "You must leave, children!" said the woman. "Our village is pathetic and completely defenseless, mainly because our warriors all became pacifists! Now ride away on the horse!"

"We can't!" replied her daughter. "We had to eat our horse, remember? Because our warriors aren't fighters anymore, it also means that they refuse to hunt!"

"Oh yes, that's right," said the mother. "Well, then you can ride on this old man's back!" She grabbed an innocent old man and put her kids on him.

Her son whipped the man with a piece of frayed rope. "Giddy-up you old codger!" The two children rode away on the old man, and their pathetic, completely defenseless village became nonexistent.

Skittleman watched the whole entire thing in his burnt donut. "Mwahahaha! Soon, all of Horseyland shall be destroyed!"

"Why is it so necessary to ruin Horseyland?" a Spork asked.

"How dare you say that, you blasphemer?" Skittleman flung a rock at the Spork's head.

"Ow..." the Spork moaned. "I'm sorry..." He slumped over in a faint.

Skittleman took a bag of Skittles out of his pocket of his robes and began to eat them. "Skittles... Taste the rainbow."

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Make sure you review! (Please!) 


	4. Strange Events in Horseyland

Chapter Four: Strange Events in Horseyland 

Eomer and his Horsey Squad were riding around, looking for Eomer's cousin Theodred. "Hey, has anybody seen Theodred?" Eomer yelled.

A member of the Horsey Squad shrugged his shoulders. "Nope. He's probably dead."

"Oh who cares!" said Eomer cheerfully. "He was just stealing all of the love and attention from my uncle anyway! Now let's get out of here!"

"Hey! Don't leave me, you good-for-nothing codfish!" yelled a voice that sounded suspiciously like Theodred's.

Eomer looked disturbed. "Did somebody just call me a _codfish_?"

"Yes! I did!" said the voice.

"Hey look, it's Theodred!" said a member of the Horsey Squad, pointing.

"Oh darn it!" Eomer then threw a huge fit, acting like a bratty, undisciplined child. Theodred remained where he was on the ground, being unable to move. "Well come and pick me up!" he whined. "You don't love me, do you?"

Eomer sighed and snapped his fingers. Two members of the Horsey Squad appeared and carried Theodred onto Eomer's horse, and everybody rode away.

They soon arrived at the capital and Eomer walked into the Not-A-Single-Speck-of-Gold Hall. King Theoden sat in his throne, looking as if he had taken an aging potion.

Eowyn stood in front of him, trying to make some sort of communication, and failing miserably. "Theodred's been mortally wounded!"

Theoden did not reply.

"Why are you ignoring me?"

Theoden remained silent.

Eowyn was getting frustrated. "He's about ready to kick the bucket! Do something!"

Theoden did say a word, or even move, for that matter.

Sam suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "You have reached Theoden. He is unable to answer your calls right now, as he is being possessed by an evil wizard. If you would like to leave a message, please do so after the beep."

Eowyn gasped. "It's a little short man!"

"I'm a Magical Hob!" Sam said.

"What's that?"

"It's what I am!"

"Why in the world are you here anyway?"

Sam shrugged. "I don't really know. I'm kind of supposed to be somewhere else right now. Bye!" He snapped his fingers and vanished.

Eomer walked into the hall looking cheerful. "Hello uncle! I killed a Spork today! Five points for me!" Theoden made no replies. "Why isn't he talking?" Eomer asked.

"I don't know. But maybe this will work!" Eowyn grabbed a goblet from off one of tables and gave Theoden a whack in the head with it. Theoden blinked and moaned several times.

"Hello?" Eowyn said. "Uncle, can you answer me?"

"What are you doing in here, you filthy pony?" the king said. "Get back in the stables where you belong!"

Eowyn looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"GRIMA! THERE'S A PONY IN THE HALL! CHASE IT OUT!"

"I'm not a pony!" Eowyn cried.

"You lie!" said Grima Wormtongue.

Eomer pointed at his sister and started to laugh like crazy. "Haha! Theoden thinks that you're a pony!" He laughed so hard that he fell over backwards. "Ow!"

"You lie!" Grima told Eomer.

"No I didn't."

"You lie!"

"That's not true!"

"You lie!"

"I did not!"

"You lie!"

"Would you quit saying that?"

"You lie!"

"Would you two just be quiet?" Eowyn pleaded. "Now somebody needs to look after Theodred and make sure that he doesn't get any worse."

"Well why don't _you_ look after him if you want him to recover so badly?" Eomer asked.

"You lie!" snarled Grima. Eomer kicked him. "Shut up!" Grima kicked Eomer back and approached Eowyn. For once in his dimwitted life, his brain had actually created thoughts, and he had actually gotten an actual idea. "I'll look after Theodred."

Eowyn looked shocked. "Wow! And I thought the only words in your vocabulary were 'you' and 'lie'. Um, I guess you could look after Theodred."

Theoden picked up a pillow and threw it at Eowyn. He missed by several feet. "I thought I told you to get back to your stable, you blasted pony! This is no place for animals!"

Eowyn finally lost her temper. "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD, OLD MAN? I AM _NOT_ A PONY!"

Theoden blinked several times. "Since when did ponies talk?"

Eowyn, being too frustrated to remain where she was, promptly fled from the room. Theoden rubbed his head. "It's about time that animal left."

"Well, I guess I'll go 'look after' Theodred," said Grima.

Eomer grabbed him. "Not so fast! You're not going to help Theodred! You'll do the opposite!"

"You lie!"

"I do not!"

"You lie!"

Eomer sighed. "Not this again!"

"You lie!"

Eomer gripped Grima by the throat and roughly shook him several times. "IF YOU DON'T STOP SAYING THAT, I'LL KILL YOU!"

Grima pretended to cry. "Ooh, you're threatening me! I'm telling!" He ran over to Theoden. "Your nephew is being mean to me!" He let out a fake sob.

Theoden made a growling sound. "I will not tolerate bullies! Give him time-out!"

"Let me make a suggestion," Grima offered. "I think that banishment would be even better! It's almost like time-out, but it's Super Time-Out!"

"Eh, whatever." The king slumped down in his seat and started snoring.

Grima grinned at Eomer. "Well, it looks like you're banished!"

"WHAT?"

"You heard me! Now go!" Grima snapped his fingers, and a group of thugs crowded around Eomer and dragged him outside. One of the thugs kicked Eomer in the buttocks and he went flying.

Grima laughed triumphantly. Theoden joined in the laughter. "Haha, down with bullies!" Grima glared at him. "Be quiet! I call the shots around here!" Theoden promptly shut his mouth.

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This is following the movies more than I would like it to, but oh well. Fellowship of the Ring and Return of the King have tons of things from the books that can be in a parody, but The Two Towers kind of doesn't. 


	5. Into the Long Named Forest

Chapter Five: Into the Long Named Forest

The army of Super Sporks had been running for hours and hours, and finally decided to take a rest. Merry and Pippin were flung on the ground, where everybody decided to ignored them.

"I'm tired," whined a Super Spork.

"Nice to meet you, Tired! I'm Grishnakh!" said the Spork named Grishnakh. "I like to stab things with my incredibly rusty knife!"

"No one cares!" said the Chief Super Spork. "I'm hungry."

"I'm hungry too," whined another Super Spork. He looked at the Super Spork sitting beside him. "You look rather appetizing, you know."

The other Super Spork edged away. "I don't want to know where this is leading."

"Of course you do." The first Super Spork leaned over and took a bite out of the other's shoulder.

"OOOOOWWWWW! MY SHOULDER! HE BIT MY SHOULDER! HE BIT MY-" Suddenly, a crowd of Super Sporks swarmed around him, and soon he was devoured.

"Well that was definitely the most disturbing thing I've ever witnessed in my whole entire life," Pippin commented.

"Yeah, even more disturbing than seeing Elrond in the bathtub," said Merry, shuddering at the memory.

"Merry, when did you see Elrond in the bathtub?"

"I was wandering around, searching for Frodo, and I happened to open a door. And inside was Elrond, and-" Merry was unable to continue, as the memory was just too horrible.

Pippin cringed. "I know what you're going to say. How disturbing."

"It left me scarred for life!"Merry covered his eyes, trying to banish images of Elrond without anything on.

The Super Sporks completely ignored Merry and Pippin, and continued to viciously eat each other. This gave the Magical Hobs an opportunity.

"Hey, let's run away!" Merry suggested.

"Merry, our hands are tied up!"

"Oh. Yeah." Merry thought for a moment. "Can't we just run with our hands tied? I mean, how the heck is that going to stop us from running?"

"Or you could cut your bonds with my incredibly rusty and lethal knife!" suggested Grishnakh as he leered down at the Hobs.

"Hey, you eavesdropper!" said Pippin.

Grishnakh tried to act innocent. "I haven't been dropping no eaves, sir. Honest."

Merry and Pippin made no replies to this, and started to crawl away. Unfortunately, Grishnakh was very skilled in the art of Magical Hob groping, and he soon had them in his clutches. "Empty your pockets!"

"Why?" Pippin asked.

"Just do it!"

"But my pockets are empty!"

Grishnakh tightened his hold on Pippin, which was rather painful. "You'll empty your pockets right now, or else I'll... um... well, I'll do something drastic!"

Merry reached a hand into his pocket. "Hey, look! Lembas bread!" He showed it to Grishnakh. "Want some?"

"AAAAAGGGGGHHH! ELVEN BREAD! I'M HORRIBLY ALLERGIC!" Grishnakh let go of Merry and Pippin and ran away screaming.

"Well that was weird," Merry ate some of his lembas bread and stuck the rest backin his pocket.

"Why did he want us to empty our pockets?" Pippin wondered.

"He probably thought that you guys had the One Tater to rule them all," whispered a random tree.

"Eek! The trees are talking!" Pippin cried.

"Of course they do, Pippin," said Merry. "Trees talk to me all the time. And so do apples. I remember Bob the apple, and the things he used to say..." He trailed off and wiped away a tear. Bob the apple had perished in Moria, and it was still kind of hard for Merry to talk about him.

"Well, we'd better get out of here," said Pippin. And so he and Merry ran off and ended up in the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest.

oOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile, while that was happening, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were still running around and exhausting themselves.

"We're running!" Legolas announced.

Gimli tried his best to be patient with his friend. "Er, yes, Legolas. We are all fully aware of the fact that we are running."

Legolas was not listening to Gimli, as he had suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Hey! I hear something!"

"I don't," said Aragorn. "My ears are clogged with dirt."

Legolas nudged Gimli. "Hey, Gimli! Guess what? Aragorn's ears are clogged with dirt!" He suddenly went rigid. "I definitely hear something! Let's hide like a group of cowards!"

And so Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn all hid behind a tiny rock that wouldn't even be big enough to shield half of a hobbit.

The noise that Legolas had heard grew louder and closer, and the Horsey Squad suddenly approached. "Fear me and the power of my gigantic feather!" Eomer boomed, gesturing at the rather blatant feather in his helmet. "Come out, you cowards! Stand up like men!"

"I AM NO MAN!" Legolas yelled defiantly.

Eomer started to laugh. "Then you're a woman?"

Legolas irritably crossed his arms in front of his chest. "No! That's not I meant. I am no man. I'm an elf!" He pointed at Aragorn. "He's a man!"

Eomer yawned. "Thanks for informing us of the obvious."

"You're quite welcome!" said Legolas cheerfully.

Aragorn was slightly puzzled. "How the heck did you guys know that we were here? We were cleverly hidden behind that rock!"

Eomer laughed. "You call that a rock? More like an oversized pebble!"

"Who are you, anyway?" Gimli asked.

"I'm Eomer!"

Legolas pointed at Eomer excitedly. "Look! He's Eomer!"

Aragorn sighed. "Ignore the elf. He's Legolas, the dwarf is Gimli, and I'm Aragorn. We're looking for Magical Hobs. Did you happen to see any?"

Eomer looked confused. "What the fruitcake is a Magical Hob?"

"Well, did you see any? There'd be two of them."

"How am I supposed to see something if I don't even know what it is?"

"Magical Hobs are short little midget people," Gimli explained.

Eomer shrugged. "Nope, never saw any. We probably killed them on accident along with the Super Sporks. We burned their bodies over there." He pointed.

"Oh well," said Gimli. "Let's go find their things. I've been lusting after their gifts from Galadriel for a really long time."

"Who's Galadriel?" Eomer asked.

Gimli got a dreamy look on his face. "Galadriel's the hottest babe to ever walk the face of the earth!"

Eomer laughed. "Well I bet I'm way hotter than she is!"

Gimli held up his axe threateningly. "How dare you say that?" He waved the axe around. "I don't like you anymore, you jerk."

"Well I don't like you either!"

Aragorn sighed impatiently. "Can you guys stop arguing so that we can continue traveling?" Eomer and Gimli fell silent.

Eomer then brought over a pair of horses. "Here, you can take these horses that are conveniently with us because their previous owners fell in battle. Go ahead and get on."

Aragorn folded his arms indignantly. "As future king of Gone-Door, I need to practice ordering people around and have them assist me in every little thing." He whistled for a couple of Horsey Squad members to come over. They lifted Aragorn onto his horse.

"Ugh!" cried the members of the Horsey Squad. "He's all covered in dirt and grease and fleas and Eru only knows what else! Must wash hands!" They ran away to find some water to wash in.

Aragorn inspected himself. "I'm not that dirty!" He paused. "Am I?"

Legolas got onto his horse with a weird, squishy dripping sound. "Eew! Th-there's blood all over the saddle!" He leaned over and vomited.

"Are you deaf?" Eomer said. "I just said that the previous owners died in battle!"

"Well you could have at least washed the saddles."

Gimli looked around in confusion. "What about me? Don't I get a horse?"

"Nope!" Eomer said. "Since I don't like you, you don't get a horse of your own! You'll have to double up with elf boy over there." He got onto his own horse. "Well, I have to leave now! See ya!" He and the Horsey Squad rode away.

Gimli got behind Legolas on his horse. "Can we leave now?"

"Yeah, sure. Quit complaining already," said Aragorn. And so the three companions (Legolas still grumbling about his saddle) rode away.

* * *

My computer has stopped acting stupid and I have updated a bit earlier than usual to celebrate! Now review, my slaves- er, I mean, my faithful reviewers!


	6. Campouts and Mysterious Hobos

Yes! I've only got three more days of school left! I feel like dancing but I'm not going to because that would be scary.

* * *

Chapter Six: Camp-outs and Mysterious Hobos 

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rode on until they came to the pile of burning Super Spork carcasses. "Well, it looks like it's time to put on the tragic act!" said Aragorn, starting to cry.

"Is it just me, or did some weird old man just appear over there?" said Gimli.

Aragorn shrugged. "I don't see any weird old men. You must be seeing things."

Gimli was still confused though. "I could have sworn I saw an old man- Hey! A belt thingy!" He picked it up and inspected it.

"Put that back, Gimli," said Legolas. "You don't know where it's been!"

"Fine, I'll get rid of it." And Gimli ate the belt.

Aragorn became frustrated. "Gimli! Why did you do that?" He kicked Gimli and the dwarf went flying. "AAAAGGHH!" Gimli screamed.

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" Aragorn screamed. "My foot!" He collapsed to the ground. "MAGICAL HOBS!"

"The Hobs are dead, Aragorn, remember?" Legolas reminded him.

"No, look. Some Magical Hobs were here. I'm a Ranger and I know these things. And you don't! So haha!" He looked carefully at the tracks. "It looks like they went into the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest."

Legolas danced around excitedly. "They went into the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest! Isn't that fascinating?"

Aragorn and Gimli sighed.

"What?" said Legolas. "It isn't my fault that I point out the obvious all the time!"

"Yes it is," said Aragorn.

"No it isn't!"

Gimli clapped a hand over both their mouths. "Quiet! I think I saw that old guy again! He was looking at me menacingly!"

"Relax, Gimli," said Aragorn. "He was probably some hobo."

Gimli laughed. "You're right. But I hope he doesn't come begging for spare change or beer or anything."

"Well, let's spend the night here," Aragorn suggested. "We can have a camp-out, and eat toasted lembas bread chunks!"

Legolas made a strangled sound of protest. "Excuse me! I'm not camping out here with all of this dirt and evil foreboding! Do you have any idea what ominous foreboding does to my hair?"

Aragorn laughed. "Like I would really care anything about hair!" He ran a hand through his own greasy mane.

"I'm putting my foot down on this!" Legolas said. "We are not camping here!"

Fifteen minutes later, Legolas lay on the ground next to a campfire listening to Aragorn and Gimli eat toasted lembas bread chucks. "Why do I never get my way? Why?"

"I don't know," grunted Gimli. "Aw! I just dropped my toasted lembas chunk right in my lap!"

"I'll eat it!" Aragorn offered.

"No! My precious!" Gimli picked up the bit of lembas bread and popped it into his mouth. "Hmm... it tastes a little bit like my dirty clothes, but it's still good!"

Legolas clamped his hands over his pointy ears. "Could you guys keep it down a bit? I'm trying to get my beauty rest!"

"Ha! Beauty rest!" laughed Aragorn. "Come on, Legolas, sit over here and enjoy the fun of the great outdoors!"

Legolas pulled his cloak over his face. "I don't think so."

"Suit yourself." Aragorn leaned over towards Gimli and whispered in his ear, "I say we put a spider under his cloak when he's asleep!"

Gimli winked. "Great idea!"

oOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were running around in the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest.

"Why does this forest have such a ridiculously long name?" Merry wanted to know.

"Beats me," said a mysterious voice. Merry and Pippin turned around and found themselves facing a creepy tree-like creature.

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! WHAT IS THAT THING?" Pippin screamed.

"You can call me an Ent," said the creature. "You can also call me a plot device."

"A plot device!" said Merry. "I've heard of those! They're shepherds of the plot advancement!"

"My name is Treebeard," said Treebeard.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Talking Tree," said Pippin. "I'm Pippin and he's Merry!" Treebeard knocked Pippin to the ground in anger. "What did I do?" Pippin cried.

"I'M NOT A TREE!"

"Of course you are, you stupid tree!" said Merry.

"Don't call me that! I'm not a tree!"

"Then how come you have the word tree in your name?" Pippin asked. "You must be a tree!"

"No! I'm not!" Treebeard picked up Merry and Pippin in his hands and started squeezing them. "Now accept the fact that I am not a tree!"

"Okay," they said in unison.

Treebeard relaxed his grip on them. "Good. Now you're coming with me. I've always wanted Magical Hob action figures, and you guys are the next best thing! Actually, you're even better, because you're real!"

"That's kind of creepy," said Pippin. "And I didn't know talking trees knew about Magical Hobs."

Treebeard lost his temper. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT A TREE! UNDERSTAND?"

Pippin nodded his head, too frightened to speak. Treebeard composed himself. "I'm going to take you to my weird little house now." And he walked along, taking the Magical Hobs with him.

* * *

Don't forget to review. See, I'm reminding you! Isn't that nice of me? 


	7. The Big Pond of Dead Folks

Chapter Seven: The Big Pond of Dead Folks

Thingum continued to lead Frodo and Sam to Mulchdor. "Where are we going next, Tour Guide Smeagol?" Frodo asked.

"We goes to the Big Pond of Dead Folkses! Where it smells even worse than Smeagol does!"

Frodo clutched his nose in fear. "No! I don't know how many more bad smells I'll be able to handle before going crazy!"

Sam plopped down on the ground. "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry, Sam," Frodo commented. "You should go on a diet."

"Actually, I am on a diet," Sam said. "And you are too, Mr. Frodo. We're on the Scant Amount of Rations Diet!" He opened up his pack. "Hmm... it looks like our lembas bread will last us for about three weeks, and then we'll starve to death. Unless we eat Thingum, of course."

"No!" cried Thingum. "Fat Hob wouldn't dare!"

"Holy cabbages, Thingum! Calm down. I was only making a joke."

Frodo sat down next to Sam. "You know, I'm getting hungry myself. Hand over the lembas bread!" Sam handed him a piece and Frodo immediately scarfed it down in two seconds flat.

"Sheesh, Mr. Frodo! If you continue to eat like that, we'll only last _two_ weeks!"

Thingum approached Frodo with a pathetic, begging expression on his face. "Smeagol would like a piece of nasty Magical Hob food please!"

"Okay!" Frodo handed Thingum a piece of lembas bread.

Thingum sniffed it so hard that he almost shoved it up his nostrils. He then put it up to his mouth, and took the tiniest of microscopic bites. "AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" He threw the lembas bread at Frodo and started writhing on the ground in an overly-dramatic way. "Tastes like dust and ashes and Elveses' nasty shampoo products!"

Sam went over and kicked him. "Stop that, you drama-queen!"

Thingum managed to calm down. "Now we has to eat wormses!" He picked up a worm and swallowed it. "Yum... tastes like buttered toast!"

"Eew!" squealed Frodo. He shielded his face with his hands and started to cry. "That poor innocent worm! You cannibal!"

"Smeagol is no cannibal!" Thingum argued. If he actually was a cannibal, then that mean that he was a worm. Since he was not a worm, but an ugly little Thingum instead, Frodo's accusation proved to be wrong. Sam put a comforting hand on Frodo's shoulders. "It's okay, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo immediately sprang from his touch. "Sam! Don't you remember our agreement we made? No touching each other!"

"Mr. Frodo, I think you completely forgot about the other agreement that we made. Remember we promised never to accuse each other of being... well... We promised to never accuse each other of certain things!"

"Oh yes, that's right. I'm sorry Sam. Just don't try to hold me again."

"Mr. Frodo! You're going against our agreement!"

Thingum smacked them both upside the head. "Would Magical Hobses just be quiet? Now, Smeagol takes you through the Big Pond of Dead Folksss! This way!" Frodo and Sam got to their feet and followed Thingum. They soon arrived at the Big Pond of Dead Folks. Frodo plugged his noise. "I sure wish I had some of Legolas' air freshener!"

"Yep, good old Legolas and his girly air freshener," Sam said. He looked down into the water of the marshes. "I see dead people..." he whispered.

"Hey, so do I!" cried Frodo excitedly, as he looked down at a dead face. "Hi dead person!" He jumped into the water, where he was surrounded by dead, ghostly beings. "Hello there! I'm Frodo!"

"I'm Bob, nice to meet you!" said one of the ghostly beings. "And now you're going to die!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Frodo's scream was cut short as he was pulled out of the water by Thingum. "Thingum, my hero!" he cried, wrapping his arms around Thingum in a tight hug.

"Get your wet body off of us!" Thingum snarled. He pushed Frodo away and attempted to dry himself off with bits of dead grass.

"I am on the point of collapsing!" Frodo gasped. He fell over.

"Mr. Frodo, are you tired?" Sam asked anxiously.

"Of course I am, you moron! I just collapsed!" He curled up in a ball. "I wanna go to sleep!"

"But we just slept a couple of hours ago, Mr. Frodo!"

"I WANT TO SLEEP AND I WANT TO SLEEP NOW!"

"Alright, alright, keep your wet little pants on." Sam lay down next to Frodo and the two of them were soon asleep and snoring.

Sam was in an incredibly deep sleep, dreaming about whatever it is that Samwise Gamgees dream about. "Snore... lovely big golden chips... snorrrrrre..."

"Snore... magical lollipops... radishes... snore..." Frodo moaned in his sleep, tossing and turning restlessly.

Suddenly Thingum croaked, "So bright, so beautiful, our... buttocks!"

Frodo jerked awake at the sound of Thingum's voice. "What?"

"Little Red Riding Hood says hello to all travelers far from home!"

Frodo gasped aloud. "Oh leaping wizards! Thingum's gotten into the pipe-weed!"

"Smeagol has, yes!"

"Smeagol, don't touch any of my things again!" Frodo grabbed his pack and inspected its contents. "You may have gotten ahold of the Old Toby, but at least you didn't touch the Longbottom Leaf."

"Smeagol hates smelly leaves!" Thingum said.

Suddenly, a series of earsplitting, girly screams tore through the air. Sam sat up in a panic. "There's one thing in this world that screams girlier than Legolas does!"

"Tater Wraiths!" Frodo cried.

The Tater Wraiths screamed again, and soon came into sight. The last time Frodo and Sam had seen them, they had ridden upon giant walking french fries. But they seemed to find have found new vehicles.

"Oh my gosh! What are you those things?" Frodo shrieked.

The Tater Wraiths appeared to be riding upon giant flying creatures composed entirely of tater tots. The Tater Wraiths called them Tater Monsters, and they were the greatest evil creatures ever bred. They fly, they see, they hear, they do it all! Tater Monsters, available for a limited time only at a pet store near you!

"Hiya, little Magical Hob!" yelled the Tater Wraiths, brandishing their shovels menacingly.

"Go away, you fiends!" Frodo yelled, shaking his fist at them. "You can't have my tater!"

"Aww... but it's so pretty and delicious looking! Oh well, we'll just try again! See ya!" And the Tater Wraiths flew away.

"Um... Mr. Frodo?" said Sam worriedly. "I think I made a wet spot."

Frodo sighed. "I can't take you anywhere, can I, Sam?"

* * *

Hmm, I don't really like this chapter very much. But maybe somebody out there will like it. Like it or not, review anyway, please. 


	8. Return of the Bleached Wizard

Since the last chapter wasn't quite as great as the rest, here's an extra good chapter! (At least I hope it's extra good)

* * *

Chapter Eight: Return of the Bleached Wizard

Legolas woke up in the morning feeling stiff and sore. "Did you have a nice rest last night, Legolas?" Aragorn asked cheerfully.

"No." The elf pulled a few twigs and pieces of grass out of his hair. "Look at what's happened to my beautiful golden locks!" He pulled a hand-mirror out his pocket and inspected himself. Aragorn and Gimli sighed. Mr. Personal Grooming was going to delay their journey.

Suddenly, Legolas let out a long, loud, tortured scream.

"What's the matter?" Gimli asked.

"MY FACE! THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY FACE!"

Aragorn went over to have a look. "Where is it?" Legolas pointed. "Hmm... looks like a spider bite to me. And it's a really big one." He shared a grin with Gimli.

Legolas started to have a nervous spasm. "I-I can't go into public with this thing on my face!" He curled up in a ball and started to whimper.

Aragorn whacked him with the hilt of his sword. "Get up! We have to go look for Merry and Pippin!"

"You guys can go. I'm going to stay behind in my shame."

"Well, you heard him. Let's go, Aragorn!" said Gimli.

"No, Gimli. Legolas is going whether he likes it or not. Listen, Legolas. If you don't cooperate, I'll take your shampoo and conditioner away!"

"_You wouldn't!_"

"I would!"

Legolas hastily got to his feet. "Alright, alright. I'm coming along."

"You'd better," Aragorn muttered. He covered up the remains of his and Gimli's campfire and packed up his belongings.

The three companions then went inside the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest. "I wish this stupid forest had a shorter name," Gimli complained.

Aragorn started to tremble. "This forest is really scary! I want my mommy!"

"I don't even know if I have a mother," Gimli said. "I might have two fathers. You can never be sure with those dwarf woman and their beards."

"That's just plain scary," said Legolas. "I don't know if I have a mother either."

"At least she's clean-shaven."

Aragorn held out his sword for protection. "I think the evil trees want to eat me!"

"I'm not scared!" cried Legolas. "I love trees!" He ran up to one of the trees and gave it a big hug. The tree smacked Legolas with one of its branches. "Back off, elfie!"

"Well that was mean," the elf muttered. He self-consciously touched his face. "Do you think my spider bite has gotten bigger?"

"Possibly," said Gimli. Legolas whimpered to himself.

"Let's get out of here," Aragorn suggested.

"Wait, I hear something!" Legolas said.

Aragorn started dancing around like an excited little girl. "Ooh, is it the ice cream man? Is it?"

"Maybe! Let's go see!"

"Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!" Aragorn dashed off farther into the forest, wild with excitement. He suddenly ran right smack into a wizard dressed in white.

"Hello!" said the wizard. "I just let off some flatulence, so it would be a good idea if you backed up a little to escape the smell."

"Hey, farting's bad for the environment!" Aragorn cried. "You could kill something!"

Gimli got a dreamy look on his face. "Oh yeah, you can say that again. One time I let one blast and killed a flock of pigeons, and then my father roasted them for dinner."

"Gimli, none of us wanted to know that!" Legolas yelled.

"Well _I _wanted to know it!" the dwarf argued.

"That didn't make any sense. You already knew it!"

"Hey, has everybody forgotten about me?" the wizard asked.

Aragorn screamed. "Eek! It's Skittleman the Many Colored, come to destroy us! Let's hurry up and kill him before he throws multi-colored candy at us!"

"Hey, I like multi-colored candy!" Gimli said.

"Shut up and kill it!"

"I'm a he, not an it!" the wizard said indignantly.

"How can you be sure?" Aragorn asked.

"I'm pretty sure I know exactly which gender I am, thank you very much."

Aragorn unsheathed his sword. "Well, kill him!"

"I'll do that gladly!" said Legolas. He strung an arrow in his bow and shot at the wizard. He missed horribly by about ten feet.

"Ha, you missed!" laughed the wizard.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! For once in my life I wasn't perfect! Oh, the pain inflicting agony!" He fell down and started rolling and twitching like an upset beetle.

Suddenly, Gimli leapt at the wizard and gave him a hug. "IT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU, GANDALF!"

"Finally someone has recognized me!" Gandalf said.

Legolas stopped twitching. "Gandalf? It really is you!"

Aragorn started to throw a tantrum. "You mean you're not the ice cream man?"

"Um... no."

"Waaah! I hate you!" Aragorn kicked Gandalf in the shins and ran off to pout. Gandalf shook his fist at him. "That's the welcome I get? You ungrateful little..."

"Hey Gandalf?" Gimli asked. "Why are you all dressed up in white now?"

"Well, after falling into the chasm with that evil Teletubby, I fell down and down and down until I ended up in a vat of bleach! Then I distracted the Teletubby with tubby custard and repetitive phrases. It wasn't easy. The stupid creature kept wanting to me to say 'The custard is pink' again and again and again!"

Legolas and Gimli gasped. "What torture that must have been!"

"Yes, but I managed to defeat it. As it was absorbed in riding its scooter, I shoved my sword deep into its soft, overweight body, and my enemy was no more!"

Legolas and Gimli clapped. "Hooray!"

A few minutes later, Aragorn came back. "I'm sorry, Gandalf." He stared at Gandalf and did a double-take. "Whoa, did you go overboard on the bleach or something?"

"It wasn't my fault!" the wizard protested. "Well, let's get our sorry buttocks out of here. Merry and Pippin are safe, so it's okay to completely forget all about them! Now let's go pay a visit to King Theoden!"

The wizard, elf, dwarf, and man all left the forest and were in open land and fresh air once more. Suddenly, there was a sound of hooves thundering.

Shadowfax the horse came galloping towards them over-excitedly. In fact, he was so excited that he sprinted at top speed and ended up running right into a tree.

Gandalf laughed. "Silly horsey, trees are for kids!" He climbed up a tree and fell off. "Ow... I'm too old for this..."


	9. Random Events Occur

Chapter Nine: Random Events Occur

"Nobody out there likes me," Treebeard announced.

"I'm sorry," said Pippin. "I don't understood why nobody likes you when you're such a nice tree."

Treebeard resisted the temptation to fling Pippin five hundred yards into the distance. "For the last time, I am not a tree! How many more times are you two going to call me that?"

"We're sorry, Treebeard," said Merry. "Pip and I didn't know how sensitive trees are."

Treebeard sighed. "It's hopeless with you two!" He suddenly started to cry for no reason whatsoever.

"Hey, stop the crying!" Merry yelled. "Your tears are like the size of hailstones!"

"I'm sorry. I'm just depressed." He ripped a leaf out of the top of his head and used it to wipe away his tears. "I was thinking about the Hot Ent Chicks. A long time ago, they all ditched us male Ents and ran away to find chicken wings and pots of gold or something. Have you guys seen any?"

"Seen any what?" Pippin asked.

"Ent Chicks, you moron!"

"How am I supposed to see something if I don't know want it looks like?"

"I have no idea. I don't know what they look like either."

"Wouldn't they look like female trees?" Merry suggested.

Treebeard tightened his grip on Merry. "They're not trees!" He sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "Alright, end of discussion. Now let's talk about the absence of Magical Hobs in poetry and the lists and blah blah blah!"

"Huh?" said Merry and Pippin.

"There is nothing in the lists about Magical Hobs! Do you guys want me to make up a rhyme about your pathetic forgotten race?"

Before Merry or Pippin could make a reply, Treebeard said, "Okay! Here's my rhyme about Magical Hobs:

Pathetic and small and hard to see

They can't seem to tell an Ent from a tree."

Merry and Pippin stared at him in silence. Finally, Merry said, "What the heck was that?"

Treebeard was hurt. "You mean you don't like it? Fine, I'm never telling you any of my rhymes ever again. Now let's go to my stupid little house that isn't really a house but I call it that anyway just to make myself feel better about my pathetic situation."

"That was a really long sentence," said Pippin.

Treebeard walked through the forest for several hours, ranting about whatever it is that Treebeards rant on about. He finally arrived at his "house". "We're here! You guys can sit on the table!"

"I like to dance on the table!" Pippin said.

"Please don't do that," Treebeard scolded. "I just washed the stupid table five thousand years ago and you'll get it all dirty! Well, I have to leave now to take care of private boring business. Bye-bye!" He walked away.

"BYE TREEBEARD!" Merry yelled. "HAVE FUN WITH YOUR TREE BUSINESS!"

"I AM **_NOT_** A TREE!"

oOoOoOoOo

Frodo, Sam, and Thingum had made it through the Big Pond of Dead Folks and were now on their way to the Mechanical Fence of Doom, which would get them into Mulchdor.

Thingum pointed a skinny hand at something in the distance. "Look Master, it's the Mechanical Fence of Doom!"

Frodo yawned and fell asleep.

Thingum poked him. "Master? Master, hello?" Frodo continued to sleep. Thingum bent over and started to take Frodo's pants off.

The Magical Hob immediately woke up. "AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! Get away from my personal area!"

Thingum grinned. "Smeagol had to do _something_!" He pointed at the Fence again. "Look, Master! The Mechanical Fence of Doom!"

"How in the name of stewed tomatoes are we going to get through that?" Sam wondered.

"Somewhere, over the Mechanical Fence, Taters fry...!" Frodo started to sing.

"Please don't sing, Mr. Frodo," Sam pleaded.

"Okay. Well let's get through that stupid Fence!" Frodo got to his feet and started to run. Luckily, he could not run fast at all and only ran about two feet before Thingum grabbed him.

"No, Master! The Easter Eggses! They sees you!"

"Easter Eggs?"

Thingum nodded and pointed at a group of people wearing brightly colored outfits in pastel yellow, pink, green, and blue. They were not literally eggs, but since their outfits made them look like Easter Eggs, that was what they were called.

"My outfit is prettier than yours!" said an Easter Egg, whose multi-colored outfit was decorated with swirly patterns and hearts.

"It is not!" yelled another Easter Egg, who was wearing a pink and yellow hat with bunnies on it.

Frodo shuddered. "Those people are dressed almost as badly as Tom Bomb-to-kill!"

Thingum nodded. "Yes, yes, they has horrible fashion sense! Curse them!"

Suddenly Sam caused part of the ledge they were sitting on to crumble and fall, and he came tumbling down. "I guess I need to lose some weight."

"You've got that right, Sam," said Frodo.

"What was that noise?" asked an Easter Egg.

The other Easter Eggs shrugged. "It was probably nothing. Let's go find some old cheese." The Easter Eggs all walked away and disappeared.

"Well that was a close one," said Frodo.

"Smeagol knowses another way!" Thingum announced. "Up stairs, through tunnels, and all sorts of other awful thingses! Come, Master!"

"Um... okay!" Frodo grabbed Thingum by the hand. "Lead us there, Tour Guide Smeagol!" Sam sighed. Mr. Frodo just didn't seem to get it.

"Come on, Sam!" Frodo called. "Hurry up! Running will good exercise for you!" Sam followed Frodo and Thingum and the three of them went on their way.

oOoOoOoOo

Back in the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest, Merry and Pippin were having a good time without Treebeard.

"Where did that tree go, anyway?" Pippin asked.

Merry shrugged. "I don't know, and I don't care either. We're free from the annoying, slow, meaningless chatter of that irritatingly old tree! Let's party!"

"Alright! I'll get out the pipe-weed!" Pippin's face fell. "Wait, we don't have any pipe-weed." He looked around. "Hey, we can pretend this weirdly foreboding water is pipe-weed!"

"Okay!" While Pippin got some water, Merry scattered leaves all over the place. "Look, it's confetti! Hahaha!"

Pippin finished his portion of water. "Hey, I think I grew an inch."

"Pip, I think you've had too much pipe-weed."

"Merry, I haven't even smoked anything, you idiot!"

"Oh. Well, then you've had too much imaginary pipe-weed. Now don't bother me while I wreak havoc with my confetti!" He continued throwing leaves into the air.

Pippin sat around and drank water, because he was bored and he didn't want to join in whatever the heck it was that Merry was doing.

After about five minutes, Merry was panting excitedly after all that running around. "Oh no! I think I've run out of confetti!" He looked down at the ground. "Oh, there it is!" He scooped up the leaves that he had already thrown and ran around throwing them in the air.

Another five minutes later, Pippin stood up. "Seriously, Merry, I think this water made me taller!"

"No it didn't!"

"Yes it did!"

Merry went over to stand by Pippin and realized that Pippin actually was taller. "Hey, that's not fair! This makes me feel inferior! I want some water!"

"But I found it."

"Well I want some!" Merry then started chasing Pippin around, trying to get the water. He finally pounced on Pippin, grabbed the water, and drank it. He ended up spilling about half of it in the process of knocking Pippin over however.

"You could have asked for it nicely," Pippin muttered.

Suddenly, loud footsteps approached. Treebeard had returned. "What the fruitcake did you guys do to my special water?"

Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "Uh..."

"Next time I leave, I'm getting you guys a babysitter or something. Quickbeam will willingly watch you guys next time. Now don't touch my water, you stupid Magical Hobs!"

"Okay," said Merry. "That stuff tasted really weird anyway."

"That's probably because I backwashed in it," Pippin said.

"You _what_?" Merry cried. Pippin started to laugh hysterically until Treebeard picked him up and ordered him to stop.

"Quiet, you guys! Now come on, I'm taking you somewhere else now." He picked up Merry in the other hand and walked off.


	10. Theoden Becomes All Happy Inside

Well, here's the next chapter. Reviews are much appreciated!

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Chapter Ten: Theoden Becomes All Happy Inside

In Horseyland, things weren't looking very good for the royal family. Eowyn stood by Theodred's bed, pounding on his chest. "Wake up, you fool!" Theodred made several weird gurgling sounds and then lay still.

"Looks like he's Theo_dead_ now!" laughed Grima.

"No! He can't be!"

"You lie!"

"How was that a lie?"

"I don't know, but you lie anyway."

Eowyn moved away from Theodred's body, as it was dead and was already starting to smell a bit weird. "Okay, well I'd better go break the news to my uncle."

Grima pounced in front of the doorway. "Wait, don't go! I lust after you!"

"How disturbing. Now let me pass!"

"Never! Not until you be my woman!"

"I don't think so." Eowyn easily pushed past Grima and walked away outside. "Hey, I see strangers approaching! I'd better hide!" She flew back inside and stood cowering beside Theoden's chair.

"Eh?" said Theoden. "Go back to the stable, pony."

Outside, Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had arrived. Groups of peasants clustered around, staring at them unblinkingly. "What are you freaks looking at?" Gandalf yelled at the peasants. "Get back to work!"

The four travelers approached the Not-A-Single-Speck-Of-Gold Hall. The door-ward jumped out in front of them. "BOO! You... shall not... pass!"

"Why?" Aragorn asked. "I'm future king of Gone-Door, and I demand that you let me pass!"

"Well this isn't Gone-Door, so ha!" said the man, whose name was Hama. "Go away, strangers! We don't like weirdos!"

"Ah, come on, let us in!" whined Gandalf. "I'll give you a penny!"

"No!"

"A goldfish?"

"No!"

"An Elf Princess doll?"

"No!"

"A woman?"

"Hmm... No!"

"Darn, I thought I had him," Gandalf muttered. "Well, how about a sport utility vehicle?"

Hama thought for a moment. "Uh... sure."

"Gimli, get the SUV!" Gimli disappeared for a moment and then came back hauling an old, splintered, peasant cart. "Hey, give that back!" shouted a peasant in the background.

Hama gave the trashy little cart a hug. "It's beautiful! I'll love it forever! You guys can enter the hall. But first I have to take your weapons away. Theoden has recently developed a highly irrational phobia of weapons."

Legolas took out his bows and knives. "Watch as I spin my weapons around skillfully, making the fangirls admire me more than ever!"

"Darn, I want fangirls," said Hama.

"Show-off," Aragorn muttered as Legolas spun his weapons around and handed them to Hama.

"Here's my axe," Gimli grumbled. Hama grabbed the axe and stuck it against the wall. "Hey you, with the greasy hair and body odor that can be smelled a kilometer away! Give me your sword!"

Aragorn hugged his sword protectively. "I don't want to!"

"Just give it here."

"NO! It's my precious and you can't touch it!"

"Aragorn, you're acting extremely childish!" said Gandalf. "Now just give up your sword!"

"Nope, I'm not doing it."

"Um... I think we could use a little help here," said Hama.

Suddenly, Samwise Gamgee materialized out of nowhere, snatched Aragorn's sword, and gave it to Hama. He then snapped his fingers and disappeared.

"Was that Sam, or were my elderly eyes playing tricks on me?" said Gandalf.

"I think it was Sam," said Legolas.

Hama pointed at Gandalf. "Give me your staff, old man!"

"Now way! I'm old and if I don't have my staff I'll fall over and break my back! Do you want that to happen?" Hama shook his head. "I didn't think so. Now let's go inside."

"Wait," said Hama. He pointed at Aragorn. "Sir, you must wash before entering. We do not allow people as filthy as you to enter our hall."

"No way!" Aragorn protested. "You can take my sword away but you can't make me wash!"

"Fine, we'll do this the easy way." Hama took a can of air freshener out of his pocket and sprayed Aragorn with it.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" Aragorn screamed. "IT BURNS ME!"

Legolas pointed and laughed very loudly until Gandalf grabbed him and shoved him inside the hall. "Come on, Aragorn! Be quiet and get inside!" He shoved Aragorn inside and followed him with Gimli.

Legolas was standing in a corner, still laughing hysterically to himself. Gandalf hit him with his staff. "Stop that, you stupid elf!" The elf finally stopped his giggling and went over to join his companions. The four of them approached Theoden's throne, Legolas holding Gandalf by the arm.

"Ah, thanks for the support, Legolas, my arthritis has been acting up lately," said the wizard.

"No problem."

"Suck up!" Aragorn mouthed at Legolas.

Grima suddenly walked up to them, folded his arms, and said in a cute, high voice, "You're late!"

"A wizard is never late, Grima Wormtongue, nor is he early, he-"

"Oh shuddup, you old man!" Grima yelled. "Go away, you're not welcome here!"

"Why do I have to listen to you?" Gandalf asked. "You're not the king."

"He has a point, you know," moaned Theoden.

"No opinions, Theoden!" Grima snapped. "Now go back to being mindless!"

"Alright..." Theoden leaned back in his chair and started drooling and murmuring incomprehensibly to himself like a crazy old man.

Gandalf walked up to Theoden. "Get out of there, Skittleman!"

"But Horseyland is mine!" protested Skittleman's voice. "We found it, we did. It's OURS!" There was a sound of hysterical, maniacal laughter.

"Well that was bizarre," said Aragorn.

"You can't have Horseyland!" Gandalf yelled. "Now go away or I'll make you break a nail!"

"No! Not my precious, freakishly long nails! Alright, I'm done controlling this loser!" Skittleman's voice faded away. Theoden gave a moan and keeled over in his seat.

Eowyn ran up to him. "Uncle, I'll save you!" Aragorn grabbed her. "No, leave this up to the professionals!"

"Ooh, he touched me!" Eowyn fainted.

"Hmm... I see you've finally gotten yourself a fangirl," said Legolas. "And it isn't really a very good one." Aragorn kicked him.

Theoden stood up. "Hey, I feel all better now and happy inside! Thank you, Prozac!"

"No, you fool!" said Gandalf. "You're supposed to thank me! Stupid Prozac never did anything for your life. You're now happy again because of me!"

"Well you're quite a bragger, aren't you? Well, thanks anyway."

Eowyn revived from her fainting spell and got up. "Uncle! You're okay!" She stood in front of him. "Do you still think I'm a pony?"

Theoden looked at her. "Hey, I finally know your face, sister-daughter!"

"Sister-daughter?" said Legolas in shock. "Does that mean she's your sister and your daughter? How the heck is that possible?"

"No, you sicko!" yelled Theoden. "It means she's the daughter of my sister! Gosh, Elves don't know anything."

"Hey Theoden, I suggest you grab your sword," Gandalf said. "It will give you motivation!"

"Okay! Wait, where is my sword?"

"Grima took it," said Hama.

"Stupid Grima! Make him give me back my sword!" Hama disappeared with Grima. "Alright, where is the king's sword?"

"You lie," Grima replied.

"Huh? What would I be lying about? Give up the sword!"

"I don't want to. It's shiny and pretty and it's mine now. And you lie."

"Give me the sword or I'll... I'll force you to grow eyebrows!"

"No!" Grima clamped his hands protectively over his bare forehead. "Anything but eyebrows! Okay, the sword is in that trunk over there." He unlocked the trunk and handed over the sword. Hama brought it to Theoden. "Here you go."

Theoden took the sword. "Thanks! Now I feel motivated to do various things of little importance! Hurray for me!" He applauded himself and sat back down in his chair.


	11. Strange Funeral

Chapter Eleven: Strange Funeral

Theoden sighed a happy sigh of contentment. "This is the greatest day of my life! As my first act of New and Improved Theoden, I will now go outside and make the peasants bow down to me!" He got off of his chair and stepped outside. "BOW! BOW DOWN TO ME, YOU FOOLS!"

Various peasants all got down on their knees. "Yippee! Theoden, King of the Mark! We love you!"

"Yeah, now get to work, you slave-driven parasites."

"Okay! We love working!" The peasants all scattered away.

Grima popped out of the shadows. "And now, I uh... will try to blend in with the crowd and then make a quick run for it!"

"I don't think so!" Theoden raised his sword over Grima's head.

"No! Don't kill him!" Aragorn said. "If you kill him, then his blood will get all over the place and it will infect everybody and we'll all die from the horrible Wormtongue Disease!"

"I have no idea what in the world you're talking about, Aragorn, but I will listen to you." He lowered his sword. "Shoo, Grima! Never show your ugly, eyebrowless face here again!"

"YOU LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" were Grima's last words as he ran away and disappeared.

"That guy really had issues with all those lying accusations," said Theoden. He looked around. "Hey, where's Theodred?"

"We don't know," said the peasants.

"I don't know," said Gandalf.

"I don't know," said Gimli.

"I don't know," said Aragorn.

Legolas stood on top of a chair and proudly announced, "Theodred is missing!"

"Theodred is dead, remember?" said Eowyn.

"No, I don't remember," said Theoden. "I had my mind temporarily butchered, okay! Hey wait a minute, did you just say that he's dead?"

Eowyn nodded. "I tried to tell you but you kept ignoring me and calling me a pony!"

"Well this isn't good! Now I have no son! All I've got left is my worthless, disobedient nephew and my psychopathic, rather violent niece."

"Can we have a funeral?" begged the peasants. "With lots of flowers and free food?"

"Sure, why not?"

"YIPPEE! FREE FOOD!"

Everyone gathered outside and formed a circle around Theodred's body. Everyone droned on and on about how wonderful Theodred was when he was alive. Eowyn was starting to get rather bored, and decided to make things more interesting by singing.

"Listen to me sing! Don't I sound terrible?"

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Aragorn screamed. "Make her stop singing!"

But Eowyn refused Aragorn's pleas and continued singing. Hopefully, if she kept at it long enough, everyone would soon leave and the boring funeral would end.

"Eowyn, please stop!" Aragorn begged, his hands clamped over his ears.

"May I be of assistance?" said Sam, who had popped up out of nowhere using his teleporting abilities. He took a cotton ball out of his pocket, shoved it down Eowyn's throat, and disappeared.

Eowyn immediately stopped singing and starting hacking and coughing. "Water! Somebody get water!"

"Make Gimli get it," said Legolas.

"Make Aragorn get it," said Gimli.

"Make Theodred get it," said Aragorn.

"Theodred is dead! Have you all forgotten?" said Eowyn, who had managed to find a glass of water in her shoe and was now all better.

"Nooo!" Theoden cried. "No parent should have to bury their child!"

"Yes we should!" said the peasants.

"Okay, who's next to have their child buried?" asked the undertaker.

"Us! Us!" said a peasant couple.

"Um, okay. That was a little bit disturbing," said Theoden. "Well, this funeral is done and over with. Now where's my horse?"

"Look! There's a pretty horsey over there!" said Gandalf, pointing at the two village children who had arrived riding on an old man's back.

"That not a horse! That's an old man! Hello, deprived peasant kiddies! Want a bread roll?" Theoden threw a bread roll at the boy and ended up knocking him off of the back of the old man. "Ow! I broke my back!" the boy cried.

Theoden shifted around uncomfortably. "Um... Gandalf did it! Now come inside, children. My niece will assist you."

"No way, I detest children!" said Eowyn.

"You do?"

"Haven't you ever seen my child-shaped dart board?" She threw a dart at the child-shaped dart board and hit it dead center. "Bull's-eye!"

"I'll take the kiddies inside," Gandalf offered. "Come, children! Come with old Gandalf! I haven't got any fireworks, but that's okay, because my friend Gimli always has a built-in blaster!"

"I can't walk, my back is broken!" whined the boy. "Did everyone forget about that?"

"Hama! Get the boy a stretcher! That's going to be your new job, since you're such a lousy door-warden!"

"Yes, my lord!" said Hama.

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I didn't get many reviews for the last chapter, so I'd really like to have some reviews. Elijah Wood would also be nice, but I'll settle for just a review. 


	12. Off To Helm's Shack!

Chapter Twelve: Off to Helm's Shack! 

Everyone sat around in the Not-A-Single-Speck-of-Gold-Hall, happily eating food. "Yum... food..." said Aragorn. "Yum... ale..." said Gimli, who was swaying rather unsteadily in his seat.

"No fair! I want some food!" cried Sam, who had magically appeared once again.

"Fool of a Samwise Gamgee!" barked Gandalf. "Why must you keep popping up?"

"I'm a pop-up ad!"

"Well go away! And you can't have any food!"

"Yes, Mr. Gandalf sir." Sam's eyes suddenly bugged out of his head and he gasped loudly. "M-Mr. Gandalf! You're alive!"

"Darn, now it won't be a surprise! Forget that you saw me!"

"Okay, Mr. Gandalf!" Sam immediately deleted the image of Gandalf from his mind, snapped his fingers, and disappeared.

"What exactly are we all gathered in here for anyway?" Theoden wondered.

"Theoden, you can't stay here!" said Gandalf. "You'll get attacked!"

Theoden burst into a laughing fit. "Oh come on, no we won't!" An arrow suddenly flew in through the window and struck a random man. "Um, okay, maybe we will."

"Ha! I'm always right!" said Gandalf.

"No you're not!"

"I am too! I'm a wizard and you're just a king!"

"I'm not going to keep arguing with you! This is completely pointless!" said Theoden. "Now anyway, on to business. I say we go to Helm's Deep!"

"No, you old fool!" said Aragorn. "It will fall!"

"Nonsense! Of course it won't!"

A messenger suddenly burst into the hall. "I need to speak with the king!" He went over to Theoden and said, "Helm's Deep has suddenly collapsed without warning. It has been renamed Helm's Shack." The messenger then ran off.

"Okay," said Theoden. "Then we will go to Helm's _Shack_!"

"That's a stupid idea!" said Aragorn.

"Do you have a better one?"

"Well, no. Why does this conversation always pop up when I criticize people's ideas?"

Theoden shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know and I seriously don't care."

While this discussion went on, Gimli sat in a corner eating. "Beans, beans, the magical fruit! The more you eat, the more you toot!" he sang.

"Oh no, he's going to blast off!" Legolas cried. "Take cover!" He hid underneath his chair.

"I have a better idea," said Gandalf. "Gimli, go outside!" Gimli reluctantly got up from his seat and went through the door.

"Legolas, you can come out now!" Aragorn said. Legolas was still cowering under his chair, both hands clamped protectively over his noise. The elf removed his hands and poked his head out. "It's safe?" He got up and sat back in his seat. "Thank goodness that's taken care of."

"That's why I never let dwarves into my hall," said Theoden. He stood up. "Hama, Gamling, pack my stuff! We're getting ready to go to Helm's Shack!"

"Okay!" Hama and Gamling ran off together.

Eowyn then snuck into Theoden's personal belongings and grabbed his sword. "Whee, I'm a pretty fairy princess with a sword!" She waved the sword around in the air, twirling around in circles.

"Okay, now that's a little bit scary," said Aragorn.

Eowyn immediately stopped her waving and twirling and stared at Aragorn, the way a deer looks at the headlights of a car.

"Um... hello?" said Aragorn. He waved a hand in front of her face. "Earth to Eowyn?" Eowyn continued to stare. "Have you been struck dumb or something?"

Eowyn finally stopped gaping at him like a crazy person and managed to say something. "Are you taken?"

"That's none of your business," Aragorn replied. "I'd rather not tell you."

"Did you know that I'm afraid of cages?"

"Nope, would have never guessed that."

Suddenly, Legolas ran into the room carrying a cage. "Look at this beautiful cage! I'm going to use it to store all of my hair products! Here, would you mind holding this for me while I get my shampoo?" Legolas shoved the cage into Eowyn's hands and skipped away.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Eowyn. "A cage! Get it away! Get it away!" She flung the cage away from her ran out of the room.

"That's definitely something you don't see every day," said Aragorn.

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This chapter was kind of short and not the best, but oh well. Make sure you review. The only people who don't review are mean evil people who are on Santa Clause's naughty list. 


	13. SuperDuper Cool Rangers

I would have updated sooner, but I was unable to use my computer for two days.

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Chapter Thirteen: Super-Duper Cool Rangers

Frodo, Sam, and Thingum continued to wander around through various hideous landscapes, becoming increasingly tired and increasingly hungry.

"Smeagol is so hungry!" Thingum whined. "We hopes to find a McDonald's around here soon."

"Hey, look!" said Frodo. "We've somehow managed to stumble into Ithilien!"

Sam looked at Frodo in awe. "You sure do know your geography, Mr. Frodo."

Ithilien was like a Magical Hob paradise. It was filled with trees and grass and flowers and rivers and pretty little birds that were so polite that they used chamberpots made out of leaves and twigs. Thingum was miserable, however.

"Eew, smelly nasty flowers!" He swatted a bright pink flower out of his way, and a bee flew out of it and up Thingum's nose. "AAAAAGGGHHHHH!" he squealed. "It stingses!"

Sam and Frodo, being lazy Magical Hobs, sat their bottoms down on the ground. "Hey, Thingum, go find us some food!" Sam ordered.

Thingum wandered off muttering to himself. "Alright, alright... Fat greedy lazy Hob, wanting food all the time..."

"I'm going to cook us some food, Mr. Frodo!" Sam announced. Frodo made no comment. "Mr. Frodo?" He looked around and saw that Frodo was curled up in a ball on the ground, fast asleep. "Mr. Frodo sure does sleep a lot. That's unhealthy."

Sam sat down on a rock and having nothing better to do, watched Frodo sleep. Wow, how fascinating. "Mr. Frodo is so beautiful when he sleeps! I love him!"

Frodo's eyes suddenly shot open. "Eew! You do?"

"No way!" said Sam. "I was just saying that to throw everyone off! I love my cooking equipment so much more!" He gave his pots and pans an affectionate hug.

Frodo looked relieved. "Oh good."

"Delivery for Mr. Gamgee!" croaked Thingum. He ran up to Sam with a couple of horribly mutilated rabbits in his mouth. He dropped them on the ground. "You likes them?"

Sam looked at the rabbits. "Eew, they're all covered in blood and guts. We're going to get poisoned!" He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well! Now get me some water!"

Thingum disappeared again. Sam then reached into his pack and pulled out fifteen pots, twelve pans, seven ladles, six bowls, twenty spoons, and twenty-two oven mitts that were decorated in sadistically grinning bunnies.

Frodo stared at the items in shock. "Sam, why the heck have you got all that cooking equipment with you? You have enough to start your own pots and pans store!"

Sam hugged his cooking equipment protectively. "You can never have enough cooking gear, Mr. Frodo." He picked up a ladle and cradled it tenderly in his arms. "It's alright, Ladley, he just doesn't understand."

Frodo scooted a few feet away from his companion. "Sam, you're scaring me."

Thingum came back with the water and then went off to pout. Sam soon had a pot full of boiling water and was cooking the rabbits. He sighed. "If only we had a few... Wait a minute..." He looked at Frodo and said slowly, "Mr. Frodo, you've got a tater, don't you?"

"Why, yes!" said Frodo cheerfully. He took the tater out of his pocket and held it up proudly. "Isn't it just the prettiest tater you've ever seen?"

"Yes," said Sam covetously, his eyes wide. "Oh, yes!" He scooted closer to Frodo. "Hey, Mr. Frodo, do you think I could hold that tater? Just for a moment. Only a couple of seconds, I promise!"

"I don't know," said Frodo. "It's so pretty and you might soil it with your dirty gardener's hands. Oh, what the heck!" He handed the tater to Sam, who eagerly snatched it and eyed it hungrily. "Now, Mr. Frodo, do you think you could hand me one of those knives?"

"Sure!" Frodo happily grabbed a knife and handed it to Sam. Sam giggled maniacally and prepared to send the knife's blade slicing right through the tater. Frodo looked at the knife and potato though, and put two and two together.

"SAM! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL MY TATER!"

"Well, Mr. Frodo, stewed rabbit just doesn't taste the same without some good taters! And you've got a tater, which is just what I need!" Sam was about to slice the tater again but Frodo pounced on him and snatched the tater away. He quickly stuffed it into his pocket and curled up in a ball so Sam couldn't reach the pocket.

Sam burst into tears. "You ruined my cooking!"

"Stupid fat Hob!" Thingum hissed. Nature suddenly called and he disappeared behind a bush.

Sam's ears suddenly perked up. "Hey, do you hear something?"

There was a loud stomping noise and Frodo and Sam looked to see where it was coming from. It was a herd of oliphaunts. They looked at Sam with expressions that seemed to say, "Look, Sam! Aren't we tempting!"

Sam gazed at them with a look of sheer joy on his face. "OLIPHAUNTS! Oh my gosh! Mr. Frodo, we have to watch them!"

Frodo sighed. "What do think this is, Sam? A zoo exhibit?"

"Yes."

"Well it's not. It's just a bunch of poorly dressed men preparing for war."

"Well, I do agree with you, Mr. Frodo. Their taste in clothing is disgraceful and their purpose is evil, but they're riding on _oliphaunts_! If they've got such wonderful creatures than they can't be that bad!"

Frodo shook his head. "Sam, you are so naive sometimes, but I like you anyway."

Suddenly there was some rustling in the bushes. "We resemble the outlaws of Sherwood!" said Faramir, Captain of Gone-Door. "Fire away!"

Several rangers, also known as the Super-Duper Cool Rangers, strung their bows and shot at the oliphaunts for no good reason. Sam cried enough tears to fill up a Hob Hillock. "Those poor noble creatures!"

"Who said that?" said a Super-Duper Cool Ranger. He and couple of other rangers came out of their bush, snuck up on Frodo and Sam, and grabbed them before they could say "Anti-disestablishmentarianism is my Best Friend Forever and don't you forget it!"

"What did you guys catch?" Faramir asked. "Ooh, short people!"

"Yep, let's eat them!" said a Super-Duper Cool Ranger.

"They are not for eating!" said Faramir sternly.

Another Super-Duper Cool Ranger spoke up. "What about their legs? They don't need those!"

Sam kicked the ranger who was holding him. "Are you guys aware of the fact that what you're doing is major Super Spork dialogue rip-off?"

"Hmm, you're right," said Faramir. "But I don't care! Now carry these tiny creatures off to... my Secret Lair!"

"Secret Lair?" said Frodo.

"Well, actually I don't really have a Secret Lair," said Faramir sheepishly. "I was saying that so I could be dramatic. I never get to take part in the drama! Father never lets me!" He burst into tears.

A Super-Duper Cool Ranger patted Faramir on the back. "There, there, it's okay."

Faramir sniffled and wiped his eyes dry. "Sorry, I was having another dramatic moment. Okay, let's go!" And, Sam, Frodo, and the Super-Duper Cool Rangers all walked away.


	14. Attack of the Dreaded Cuddly Wolf Pals

Chapter Fourteen: Attack of the Dreaded Cuddly Wolf Pals

In Horseyland, Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Eowyn, and various miserable peasants traveled to Helm's Shack. The peasants had to travel on foot, since having sore feet is good for peasants and builds character. Well, not really, but that doesn't matter.

Gimli was next to Eowyn and was telling her his whole life story. "My mother had a beard. My father had a beard. My sister had a beard. My grandfathers and my grandmothers had beards."

Eowyn was highly disturbed. "You have a, er, very hairy family, don't you?

"Yep!"

"Interesting." Eowyn did not want to talk to Gimli anymore (in case Gimli started rambling on about beards some more) and so turned her attention to Aragorn. "Hello Aragorn! Who gave you that weird little piece of foil that's on a string around your neck? It's looks like something a three-year-old made!"

"It's the Foil-Star Pendant," Aragorn explained.

"Oh. So who gave it to you?"

"An elf."

"Yes, but what's the elf's name?"

Aragorn fidgeted nervously. "Er, no one! Just an elf."

"Hmm..." Eowyn looked around and noticed that Legolas was an elf. "I am beginning to suspect." She watched Legolas and Aragorn carefully to see if they displayed any affection towards each other.

"It's time to space out!" Aragorn announced. His eyes glazed over and he stared at the sky as he got lost in his thoughts.

In his memory, he was in Rivendell sitting on a hard metal bed and was wearing a straight jacket. "Hey, I'm not crazy! It's Denethor who needs the straight jacket!"

Arwen shushed him. "Go to sleep, psychopath!"

"I am asleep!"

"No, you're not, your eyes are open!"

_Good point, _Aragorn thought. He came up with an excuse, "Um, I can sleep with my eyes open, like Gandalf!"

"How freaky," Arwen said.

Gandalf popped up out of nowhere. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

Aragorn tried to throw something at Gandalf but was unable to because of the straight jacket. "Gandalf, get out of here, you old fool! You're ruining our special moment!"

"Oops, sorry!" Gandalf disappeared.

Aragorn squirmed around on the bed. "Do you think you could take this straight jacket off?"

"No," Arwen said. "My father ordered that you wear it all times until you leave on your journey."

"But why?"

Arwen shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe because he hates you with a deep furious passion."

"Oh. That's probably it." Aragorn gave up on trying to get out of the straight jacket and sat still. "Why the heck am I here anyway? And why are you here?"

Arwen's voice suddenly became deep and mysterious and her eyes glowed several different colors. "Go with Frodo!"

"That was weird," said Aragorn. "And don't you make my decisions for me!"

"Go with Frodo," Arwen ordered. "It is your destiny."

"Okay, now you're starting to sound like Darth Vader!"

"Who's Darth Vader?"

Aragorn shrugged. "I honestly have no clue."

Arwen shrugged also. "Anyway, go with Frodo. It is your density."

"Density?" Aragorn cried. "Now you sound like George McFly from Back to the Future! Anyway, you can't tell me what to do, you inferior being! Maybe I don't want it to be my destiny."

"Going with Frodo is MY destiny!" Sam yelled furiously, popping up out of nowhere.

Aragorn glared at the magically teleporting Magical Hob. "Sam, get out of here! You're messing up our sentimental moments together!"

"Okay." Sam snapped his fingers and he disappeared.

"That Magical Hob is very disturbing," said Arwen. "Well, anyway, you have to go with Frodo so you can become king! I've been waiting for sixty-seven years for crying out loud! I don't know if I can wait any longer. Glorfindel has been looking rather attractive lately..."

"Alright, alright!" said Aragorn hastily. "I'll go!"

Aragorn's daydream ended but he continued to stare out into space. Eowyn noticed this. She waved a hand in front of his face. "Aragorn? Aragorn, hello!"

Aragorn blinked several times and looked wildly around him. "Huh? Wha? Where am I?"

"You were lost deeply in thought! You're so attractive when you daydream!" She giggled.

Aragorn shuddered and stepped several feet away from her.

Suddenly, Hama started shrieking in a high-pitched girly voice. "Like oh my gosh! We're being attacked by Sporks riding on Cuddly Wolf Pals! Run away like cowards!"

"No! Not Cuddly Wolf Pals!" the peasants screamed.

A horde of Sporks soon appeared, riding on bright pink wolfish creatures that smelled like hearts and flowers and had big, gigantic, fake-looking grins plastered onto their faces. They grinned constantly, never stopping, and they would often break into happy little song and tried to get people to sing along with them. They were absolutely terrifying.

"DIE!" Eowyn ran over and stabbed a Spork.

"Uh-oh," said Theoden. "Somebody keep Eowyn from the fighting!" A couple of peasants bound and gagged Eowyn and dragged her away.

A Cuddly Wolf Pal frolicked over to Aragorn. "Hello there!" it giggled. "My name is Starry Sunshine Sweetie!" It wrinkled its nose. "Oh my! You need to take a bath, mister!"

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" screamed the Sporks. "THE RANGER! HE SMELLS! RUN AWAY!" All the Sporks and Cuddly Wolf Pals rode away, except for Starry Sunshine Sweetie.

"Well that was an easy battle," said Theoden. "Maybe we should all stop taking baths so we can drive all our enemies away."

Starry Sunshine Sweetie was advancing on Aragorn, coming closer and closer, causing Aragorn to have to walk backwards. "I can make you pretty!" squealed the Cuddly Wolf Pal. "Please let me, pretty please! You're so filthy now, but I can fix that and then you're be as gorgeous and huggable as me!"

"Nooo!" squeaked Aragorn. "Have mercy!" He was right at the edge of a cliff now. "Have mercy, please!" He took a step back and fell over the cliff and into the river.

"Hey! Get back here!" The Cuddly Wolf Pal fell down the cliff after him.

"Well that was weird, ridiculous, and overly-dramatic," said Theoden. "Not to mention stupid. Oh well, at least we are free of Aragorn's odor. Now let's get out of here!"

Everyone left and finally arrived at Helm's Shack, which was a little wooden structure that had a roof made of hay and looked on the verge of collapsing. "Okay, shove all the women and kids in the animal pen!" Theoden ordered.

"Why the animal pen?" Eowyn asked.

"Because the Shack won't be safe for you to stay in! I mean, just at that rickety thing! It could collapse any second! Now get in the animal pen!"

"But I don't want to go in there!" Eowyn whined. "It's sort of like a cage and I'm afraid of cages! Plus, it smells like goat droppings and I'm allergic to goats!"

"So? That doesn't mean you're allergic to their droppings."

"That doesn't matter!" Eowyn screamed. "Now let me stay out here! Don't you make me go Dernhelm on you!"

"Hama! Take her away!" Theoden ordered.

"Yes, sire!" Hama grabbed a rope, hog-tied Eowyn, and put her in the little animal pen, which was crowded with whining children and women.

"This place smells like underfed sheep," Eowyn complained.

"How would an underfed sheep smell any different than a well-fed sheep?" Hama wondered. "Quit your whining, Eowyn."

"But I'm upset!"

"Well you'll be _really_ upset when you learn that Aragorn is dead!"

"WHAT?" she screamed. "Aragorn is dead?"

Hama clapped a hand over his mouth. "Oops, did I just say that?" He quickly scurried away.

"Great, now I'm depressed," sighed Eowyn. "And the worst part about it is I'm depressed over something that doesn't even really happen! Oh well."

* * *

Uh-oh. Now this is _really_ following the movie more than I would like it to. The first _Lord of the Taters_ followed the book a lot of the time, but I guess that isn't the case with this one. I haven't read The Two Towers in a while. 


	15. Going to the Secret Lair

Warning: This chapter contains a special appearance of Denethor. Prepare to be disturbed.

* * *

Chapter Fifteen: Going to the Secret Lair

As the people at Helm's Shack threw confetti in the air, ate cake, and danced around happily, Aragorn was floating in some river like an old and particularly filthy log. He opened his eyes and realized where he was. "AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! WATER! It's clean! Get it away!" He started twitching. "Must erase cleanliness!"

He quickly climbed out the river and started rolling around in a pile of dirt. "Ahh... Much better."

His horse whinnied at him loudly, which was horse language for "Get going already, you lazy good-for-nothing hobo!"

"Alright, alright. I had to de-cleanse myself, okay?" Aragorn got up, climbed onto his horse, and rode away.

oOoOoOo

In Rivendell, Arwen was in her room moping and crying her eyes out and Elrond was vigorously exercising his eyebrows, which is a sight that often frightens young children, puppies, and the elderly. "Arwen, you must go to the Land of Stuff that Refuses to Die! Do it now!"

"Aww... I don't feel like it!" Arwen whined in a whiny little girl voice.

Elrond's eyebrows danced around on his forehead disturbingly. "You must go with your people, with your elves!"

Using his ever so useful teleporting powers, Sam appeared in the room with an ecstatic expression on his face. "ELVES? Did somebody just mention elves?"

"Er, yeah, I did," Elrond admitted.

Sam jumped for joy and gazed at Elrond and Arwen. "Me go and see elves and all! Hooray!" He continued to stare at the two of them and wouldn't stop. He wasn't even blinking, which was pretty scary.

"Um, could you please leave?" Elrond asked. "You're being very disturbing."

"Aww," Sam pouted. "All right then. But can I have a cookie?"

"Sure. As long as it gets you to leave." Elrond handed Sam a cookie and Sam disappeared.

"You know, that's the second time that Magical Hob has suddenly popped up in here," said Arwen. "What is up with that?"

"I don't know, but back to business. You can't stay here. Since Aragorn probably won't come back, that means you probably won't get married, which means I'll never get rid of you! So you've got to go!"

"You're mean!" Arwen whined. "Okay, I'll go!" She ran outside where there were a group of elves with lanterns in theirs hands.

The elves gazed at their lanterns in awe. "Our lanterns are so shiny and pretty!" The lantern oil spilled over and burned them. "OW!"

oOoOoOo

With a popping noise, Sam appeared back in Ithilien, standing next to Frodo. He had a cookie in his hand and started nibbling it. "Yum... chocolate chip..."

"Hey, where did you get that cookie, Sam?" Frodo asked.

"Uh... nowhere!"

Faramir and the Super-Duper Cool Rangers walked over to them. "Come on Magical Hobs, it's time to follow the book now," said Faramir. "Come with me."

"Where are we going?" Sam asked.

Faramir shushed him. "Stop talking Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit and come see The Window on the West, and then you can go on a Journey to the Cross-roads."

"Just because you're using chapter titles in your sentences doesn't mean you're following the book, you know," Frodo pointed out. "It doesn't count."

"All right, all right. Just come." Faramir started walking and the hobbits followed them. "I just now realized that I forgot to introduce myself!" Faramir realized. He stopped walking. "Hello, it is a pleasure to meet you two. I am Faramir, Captain of Gone-Door, and I am the best character in this weird story!"

"Ahem!" said Frodo, giving a slight cough.

"Sorry. I mean, I'm the best character, aside from the Magical Hobs."

"That's better," said Frodo. "My name is Frodo Baggins and this is Samwise Gamgee. We are Magical Hobs of the Pretty Green Secluded Area and down over in Hobton we hang out in the Green Dragon and the Gaffer always says..."

Frodo went and babbled on for a while, while Faramir forced to keep his eyes open. "...and then that one time when the harvest was good and then the Gaffer said this and that and in the spring of three years ago..."

"Would you be quiet already?" Faramir asked.

Frodo promptly shut up. "Sure. Sorry, Magical Hobs tend to ramble on like that."

"That's all right," said Faramir. "Anyway, what are you doing and where did you come from?"

"We're going to Mulchdor," Frodo said. "We were in a fellowship of nine companions but then we ran away. Oh, and one of the guys we were with was named Boromir. I don't know why, but do you think that could be significant?"

Faramir gasped. "Boromir!"

"Yes, Boromir."

"Boromir?"

"Yes, Boromir."

"Boromir?"

"YES!" Frodo shouted.

"Boromir was my brother and my father likes him a lot better than he likes me," Faramir explained. "Boromir's dead though, so maybe I'll get some more attention. I doubt it though, because my father is completely crazy."

oOoOoOo

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor was sitting at his table eating chicken. He was stabbing the chicken viciously with his knife. "Die, chicken! Die! You're trying to take my stewardship away from me! I know you are! Well you know what? You never will! Haha!" He continued to stab at the chicken.

"My lord, is that necessary?" a servant asked.

"OF COURSE IT IS!" Denethor waved his knife in the servant's direction. "How dare you ask me such a question?"

"Eek!" The servant ran off, terrified. Denethor scowled, twitched a couple of times, and went back to stabbing his chicken.

oOoOoOo

"Yep, my father is probably the craziest person in the whole entire world," Faramir said.

"Wow, I feel sorry for you," said Sam. "If that guy was my father, I would run away from home and become a hobo."

"I tried that once," said Faramir, "but some other hobo attacked me because I was sleeping in his trash can. So anyway, now we all know who are we are! Hooray! I love bonding. Oh, and who is that skinny little thing that was with you earlier? Was he a squirrel? Or a kingfisher? Or maybe a roasted porkchop or an old sock?"

"What?" said Sam.

"How the heck could Thingum possibly look like a squirrel or a kingfisher?" Frodo asked.

Faramir shrugged his shoulders. "Beats me. Maybe I inherited a little bit of insanity from my father. But I'm still the coolest character around here!" Frodo and Sam glared at him. "Um... along with you guys. Now come. We're going to my secret lair, the Chamber of Pretty Waterfalls and Even Prettier Faramirs."

"Is that really what's called?" Frodo asked.

"Well, that's what I call it," he confessed. "But most people just call it the Secretive Secret Lair of Secrets."

"Why do you need a secret lair?" Sam asked. "Are you an outlaw who is hiding from the sheriff of Nottingham?"

"_What?_"

"Never mind."


	16. A Loincloth Will Not Pass as a Swimsuit

Like the previous chapter, this chapter also contains a special appearance of Denethor. **Read at your own risk.**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen: A Loincloth Will Not Pass as a Swimsuit

Faramir, Frodo, and Sam arrived at Faramir's Secretive Secret Lair of Secrets, and Frodo and Sam sat down. "Eew, we're in a smelly cave!" Frodo whined. "I wish we had some of Legolas' air freshener!"

"Don't you make fun of my cave!" said Faramir. "And who is this Legolas person?"

"He's an elf we were traveling with," Sam replied. "He was obsessed with grooming, hygiene, and his personal appearance. Especially his hair."

"He sounds like a real sissy," said Faramir.

"He is," said Frodo.

"Let's sit around and talk about Boromir!" Faramir suggested. "Even though I've been yapping on about Boromir all day long." It was true, earlier that day he had practically talked Frodo and Sam's ears off, going on and on about his brother.

"I'd much rather hear tales of the elves, sir!" said Sam, his eyes misting over at the thought of elves.

"Elves are sissies and I don't like to talk about them," said Faramir. "I'm much manlier than they are and I'm such a better character!"

"Well yes, you're right," said Sam.

"I've got a better idea!" said Faramir. "Let's talk about that One Tater of yours! Taters happen to be my father's favorite food. If I give him a tater, maybe he'll pay attention to me!"

Frodo squeaked and scooted into a corner. "You can't have my tater! Your father shall never taste its deliciousness!"

"Aw, but if he doesn't get to eat taters, then I'll be forced to see him eat tomatoes! And watching my father eat a tomato is horrible and life-scarring!" He shuddered.

oOoOoOo

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor's eyes were twitching, and he felt rather hungry. "Hmm... I hunger for... tomatoes!"

"NOOOOOO!" cried the servants. "Not tomatoes! Anything but that!"

Denethor pounded his fist on the arm of his chair menacingly. "I want tomatoes!"

"Very well, my lord," said a terrified servant. "But could you please wear a mask or something? We don't want to see tomato juice go all over your face!"

Denethor was deeply insulted. With a hideous roar, he plucked a strand of hair from his head and waved it around. "I shall kill you for that! I shall chop you up with my sword!" He continued to wave the strand of hair around as if it was a deadly weapon.

The local healers looked at each other. "Uh-oh. Somebody didn't take his medication."

oOoOoOo

"Wow, I hope I never have to meet your father," said Frodo. "I am definitely NOT letting the tater fall into the hands of that nutcase."

"Aw, please!" whined Faramir. "The way he eats tomatoes is so creepy! If he has a tater, he won't eat tomatoes anymore! Please help me!" He looked pleadingly at Frodo and Sam with the Irresistible Faramir Look.

Frodo shielded his eyes. "No! Not the Irresistible Faramir Look!"

"Give him a taste of his own medicine, Mr. Frodo!" whispered Sam.

"Great idea." Frodo uncovered his eyes and looked at Faramir with the Irresistible Frodo Look.

Faramir backed up and fell over backwards. "No! No no no! Not the Irresistible Frodo Look! It's even more irresistible than mine! Alright, alright, keep your tater!"

Frodo and Sam high-fived each other. "Yes!"

oOoOoOo

Later, as Frodo and Sam were sleeping, Faramir snuck up on Frodo. "Boo!" Frodo woke up and screamed like a little girl. "What? Who's there?"

Faramir laughed. "It's only me! Come on, I have to show you something." Faramir led Frodo outside of the cave so he could show him Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool. "Here, I will show you Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool."

Frodo looked in surprise. "Wow, it's Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool!"

Thingum splashed around. "Look at me, I'm Thingum playing in the Forbidden Pool!"

"Why does everyone keep constantly using that phrase?" Sam demanded.

"Sam, go back to sleep!" hissed Frodo. "This doesn't concern you!" Sam munched on a cabbage he found in his pocket and then went back to bed.

"That filthy little creature is in my private swimming pool!" said Faramir. "Nobody is allowed to use my private swimming pool unless they're wearing a proper swimsuit! Loincloths don't count! It's a good thing the lifeguard is on duty."

He pointed at the lifeguard patrolling the pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle and pointed his pool toy at Thingum. "Out of the pool, mister!"

"But Smeagol just wants to swim! Our dry skin hasn't felt the touch of water in so long!"

The lifeguard jabbed him with the pool toy. "Out of the pool or we'll take drastic measures!"

"Hey, you can't hurt Thingum just because he isn't properly dressed for swimming!" said Frodo.

"Yes they can!" Faramir insisted. "It's a serious crime. Just look at that skimpy little loincloth he's wearing. That's disgusting!"

Frodo waved his arms around and jumped up and down. "Thingum! Hey, Thingum, come here!"

"What is master doing?" Thingum cried. "Master is waving and jumping as if he was Smeagol's cheerleader!"

Frodo continued jumping around. "Gimme a T! Gimme an H! Gimme an I! Gimme a-"

Faramir smacked him. "You're not a cheerleader, Frodo! Stop that!" He gave Frodo a slight shove. "Now go get your ugly little friend and nobody gets hurt."

"Okay!" Frodo skipped over to Thingum. "Come on, Thingum. Come to master! I've got cookies!"

"But Smeagol wants to practice his backstroke!" Thingum whined. "We wants to try out for the Olympic swim team!"

"Well you can do that later. Come on, Thingum. If you come with me right now, I'll make sure the Olympic judges give you a gold medal!"

"Okay!" Thingum happily followed Frodo. Just as they reached Faramir, a couple of Super-Duper Cool Rangers threw a sack over Thingum and captured him. "Hey, what was that for?" Frodo asked.

Faramir took the sack and slung it onto his back. "Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas! I needed this sack for my Santa Clause impersonation!"

"Really?"

"No! I'm going to capture this creature so he doesn't compete in the Olympics and beat me at swimming!" He went back into the cave, Frodo following, and flung Thingum on the floor. "Take that, Thingum! That gold medal shall be mine!"

"Can't nasty man just settle for a silver medal?" Thingum asked.

"No!" said Faramir. "It has to be gold! Gold is my father's favorite color, because the color gold reminds him of taters, which are his favorite food."

"Please don't talk about your father anymore," Frodo pleaded. "I've never even met the guy but he terrifies me!"

"All right," said Faramir. "Now go to sleep!" Frodo promptly closed his eyes and fell to the ground in a heap. Faramir stared down at him. "Wow, now that's what I call _fast _asleep!"

* * *

I love doing those little Denethor scenes. I can't wait to move on to the Return of the King parody so I can ridicule him even more. 


	17. Never ending Council

Chapter Seventeen: The Never-ending Council

Up in Skittleman the Many Colored's treehouse, Skittleman and Grima were evilly plotting. "Mwahaha!" Skittleman cackled. "Horseyland shall be under my command soon! And they shall fear my lumberjack powers!"

"You lie!" said Grima.

"Be silent! I do not!"

"You lie!"

"Grima, stop that or I'll stick some fake eyebrows onto your head."

"You lie!"

"No, I really will give you fake eyebrows!" Skittleman insisted. Grima was silent. "Much better," said Skittleman. "Now on to business. I shall conquer Horseyland! I shall bombard Helm's Shack with a large quantity of Skittles!"  
He pulled a bag of Skittles out of his pocket and hugged it. "Skittles. Taste the rainbow."

"You lie!" said Grima. "We don't have enough Skittles to do that."

Skittleman thought to himself for a moment. "Hmm. You're right. So much for that evil plan. Well then, send out the Super Sporks!"

oOoOoOo

Meanwhile, Aragorn was on his way to Helm's Shack. "Hey, I see a massive army of Super Sporks headed in the same direction I'm going! We have something in common! I love having things in common with other people!" He continued to ride until he reached the rickety shack.

He got off of his horse. "Hey, everyone! I'm back!"

Frodo folded his arms in front of his chest. "You're late!"

"A Ranger is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he- Wait a minute. Frodo Baggins? Get out of here!"

"Okay Strider!" Frodo snapped his fingers and disappeared. Sam had let him borrow his teleporting powers and he was testing them out.

Legolas ran outside. Wait, scratch that. Legolas _skipped_ outside. "Hi Aragorn! I stole your freaky little Foilstar pendant that Arwen gave you." He handed the Foilstar pendant to Aragorn. Eowyn, who was watching behind a bush, popped out from behind it.

"Aha!" she cried. "I knew it, Aragorn! You and Legolas are lovers!"

Aragorn started to laugh. "Yeah right! Me and him? I love Arwen. Besides, Legolas could never be anyone's lover. He's too much in love with himself!"

"Hey! I am not!" Legolas protested. He suddenly saw his reflection in a puddle of water and was mesmerized. "Ooh..."

Aragorn pulled him away from the puddle. "Snap out of it, elf boy."

Theoden walked out of the shack. "Oh no, Aragorn's alive! He'll fill up the shack with his horrible odor!"

"You're mean!" Aragorn whined. "Just give the shack some air holes or something!"

"We can't," said Hama. "If we mess with the shack, it will probably collapse and then we won't have any defense against any armies that could attack."

"Speaking of being attacked," said Aragorn, "Skittleman the many Colored is sending an army of Super Sporks! What do we do?"

Theoden shrugged his shoulders. "Let them come."

"You don't want to do anything about it or anything?" Aragorn asked.

"Nope, just let them come," Theoden replied.

"Wow, what a lousy un-loving king we have," commented a peasant.

oOoOoOo

While Helm's Shack prepared to be pulverized, slow events were slowly happening slowly in the Incredibly Old, Astoundingly Creepy, Impossibly Foreboding, Exceedingly Disturbing Forest.

"It is time," said Treebeard, "for the Ents to have a meeting so that we can say hello and then remind each other of what our names are! It may sound extremely pointless, but we Ents have no lives whatsoever and therefore it is very important. I'm going to gather all the Ents, so stay out of the way!"

"Sounds like the council of Elrond, but with trees!" Pippin commented.

"I'm not a tree!" Treebeard insisted irritably. "Oh, look, there's Quickbeam!" Another Ent appeared. "This is Quickbeam. He's going to be your babysitter, since you guys are bad naughty Magical Hobs." Merry and Pippin were forced into straight jackets and led away, and Treebeard stood right in the middle of a big clearing. "Hoooooooooom! I have no idea what that means, but hoooooom anyway!"

"Uh, does that mean we're supposed to come out there?" asked the Ents who were hiding among the trees.

"Yes, you fools!" said Treebeard irritably.

"Oh, okay!" All of the Ents stepped forward and made a circle around Treebeard.

"This reminds me of Boy Scout camp," said an Ent. "Let's sing a campfire song!" That Ent was promptly stepped on by Treebeard and a couple of Ents sat on him like a bench.

"We won't be hearing from him anymore," said Treebeard. "Anyway, let's make our introductions. We will be speaking in Entish, so that it takes as long as possible." He spoke in Entish and pointed at himself. "I'm Treebeard."

Five Hours Later:

Three Ents introduced themselves.

Twelve Hours Later:

Seven Ents have introduced themselves.

Many, Many, Many Long Hours Later:

All of the introductions were finished. Finally. "Well that sure was enlightening," said Treebeard. "And also highly necessary, even though I already know all of your names."

"So that was a waste of time," said an Ent.

"No, of course it wasn't. Anyway, the first part of our council is now finished. Let's all feel proud of ourselves! Next, we're all going to say hello to each other!"

One Day Later:

Treebeard applauded himself. "Wow, what an accomplishment! We've finally finished greeting each other! Now the council can actually start!"

One Day Later:

"Excuse me for a moment while I go see my Magical Hob pals," said Treebeard. "You guys can all have a coffee break." He walked away and found Merry and Pippin, who were with Quickbeam.

"Can you take the straight jackets off now?" Merry asked.

"Fine, fine," said Treebeard. "You don't need them anyway. It's Denethor who needs a straight jacket. Quickbeam, send these to Minas Tirith so the Steward can have them." He took the striaght jackets off of Merry and Pippin and handed them to Quickbeam.

"So are you and all the other trees finished talking?" Pippin asked.

"I'm NOT a tree!" Treebeard yelled. "And yes, we're done. Finally. We spent a long time getting to know each other and then it took us more than an entire day to figure out that you're not Sporks. Aren't you proud of us? We've accomplished so much!"

Merry and Pippin simply stared at him in stunned silence.

"We've been waiting here for three days just for _that_?"

Treebeard nodded happily. "Yep! Isn't that wonderful?"

"No, not really," said Pippin. "You trees obviously don't have lives, but _we_ do! Skittleman has been a bad naughty wizard and we should teach him a lesson!"

"Aw, but I like Skittles!" Treebeard whined. "They taste like the rainbow! But I agree, we should teach Skittleman a lesson since he's a lumberjack and lumberjacks are pure evil!"

"Hey!" cried a group of offended lumberjacks

Treebeard threw an armful of pinecones at them. "Be gone with you, you tree killers! Never show your ugly bearded faces here again! Now let's go kick some wizard behind!"


	18. Defending the Pathetic Shack

Note to Stacy-comedy: I deleted The Modern Life. I didn't like it much and was dissatisfied with it. Sorry you never got a chance to read it. Maybe I'll put it back up someday.

* * *

Chapter Eighteen: Defending the Pathetic Shack

At Helm's Shack, everyone was running around like frantic chickens while they _attempted_ to get ready for battle. "We're going to lose!" moaned Theoden. "Just look at what we have as a defense!" He pointed at Helm's Shack. It made an odd creaking sound and the roof started to sag a bit.

"I see what you mean," said Aragorn. "Well, if all else fails, we can just use Gimli as a shield."

"Hey!" cried Gimli. "Do I look like shield material to you?"

"Yes."

Gimli walked off grumbling to himself. Nobody missed him. Dwarves are horribly under-appreciated creatures, you know. All they crave is a little respect and love. And some expired cheese, but it's not a good idea to give them that.

"So, where are our warriors?" Aragorn asked.

"Over there," Theoden replied. He pointed at a pathetic handful of old men and little boys.

"Our backs are crippled and our eyesight is failing!" croaked the old men. "We can't possibly fight! We should all be in a nursing home instead."

"Well you're fighting, like it or not!" said Theoden. "If you all survive, then I'll send you all to a nice nursing home that smells like moldy plastic. That's what nursing homes smell like, you know. I wouldn't go there if I were you."

"We're too weak to fight!" whined the little boys. "We're so weak, we can't even pick up flimsy wooden swords!"

"Well then strengthen yourselves, you wimps!" ordered Theoden. "Eat Frosted Flakes! They're more than good, they're grr-eat!"

"Those Frosted Flakes advertisements are nothing but lies, you know," said Eomer. "I found out the truth!" He started to sob into his hands.

"Eomer, what are you doing here?" Theoden asked.

"Ahem!" said Eomer. "It's in the book! I'm _supposed_ to be here!"

"Oh yes, that's right."

"Well Eomer may belong here, but I sure don't!" said Haldir, who had appeared out of nowhere with an army of elves. "What am I doing here?"

"Haldir?" cried Legolas. "Oh my goodness, I think I just wet myself with excitement!"

"Well, let's get ready, everybody!" said Aragorn. "Position yourselves in front of the shack! Even though we have no protection whatsoever, hopefully we will survive this."

"We're heeeeeeeeere!" yelled the Super Sporks, arriving precisely when they meant to. A Super Spork is never late, nor is he early. Use that knowledge wisely.

The peasants of Horseyland all shot perfectly aimed arrows, and missed. The Super Sporks and the elves all laughed.

"Dumb, uneducated peasants!" said the elves. "We'll show you!" They all shot poorly aimed arrows, and hit every target.

"That doesn't make any sense," said Eomer. "The peasants' arrows were perfectly aimed and they missed, and the elves' arrows were poorly aimed but they didn't miss."

Aragorn clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Just accept it, Eomer. Nothing ever makes sense in parodies."

"Fear our battering ram!" shouted the Super Sporks. "It's made entirely out of Skittles!"

"Skittles?" cried Gimli. "I love Skittles!" He ran over to the battering ram and ate it.

"Well so much for that," said a Super Spork.

"I told you using candy was a bad idea!" said another Super Spork.

Everyone continued to fight. The roof of Helm's Shack was about to cave in but everyone bravely protected it anyway. A Super Spork managed to approach the shack but suddenly Haldir popped up in front of the door. "YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!"

"Says who?" said the Super Spork.

"Says me!" yelled Haldir.

"Is 'says me' even grammatically correct?" the Super Spork asked.

Haldir scratched his head and thought about that for a moment. While he was puzzling over grammar, the Super Spork saw his chance and stabbed the poor elf. A munchkin burst out of the shack and sang, "He's really most sincerely dead!"

"Hey look!" yelled Eomer, pointing at the munchkin. "A hobbit!"

The munchkin walked over to Eomer. "Would you like to join the Lollipop Guild?"

"Um...no," Eomer said. "You frighten me." He rolled the munchkin down a hill and nobody knew what ever happened to that munchkin. Nobody really cared either.

The Super Sporks were getting angry. "Prepare to die!"

"Okay!" Aragorn lay down on the ground in front of the Super Sporks.

Theoden kicked him in the ribs. "Get up, you fool! We're not surrendering that easily! There would be no point to this story if we lost."

Aragorn got up but did not bother to brush the dirt off of him. Instead he scooped up some more dirt from the ground and spread it on his clothes. "Mmm... dirt. Anyway, who will help us then? We're about to get all our rears kicked!"

"I WILL!" roared a voice. "FEAR THE POWER OF BLEACH!"

"No! Not the bleached wizard!" the Super Sporks cried.

"That's right!" laughed Gandalf. "I've come to smite you all down with my shiny smiting abilities. And after that I'm dropping by at the supermarket to get some coffee. I'm saddle sore and I need a pick-me-up!"

"Gandalf's here!" Aragorn yelled. "Now we can all be happy! We can also just lounge around while he does all the work!" He sat down on the ground and leaned his back against a tree. A couple of women brought him a pillow and a cold beverage. "Ah, this is the life! Isn't it great to be friends with a wizard who will just come to your rescue at random convenient times?" He sipped his drink and thrust it at one of the women. "Not cold enough! Go put more ice in it!"

Gandalf and the others managed to kill half of the Super Sporks. The other half got down on their knees. "We will live a life of peace now! Please don't kill us! We'll all become peace-loving treehuggers now!" They ran off into the forest singing hippie songs.

Theoden inspected Helm's Shack. "I can't believe this place survived."

Aragorn sprang to his feet. "LET'S PARTY!" He grabbed Eomer and the two of them started dancing and stomping on the ground. Soon Legolas was dancing (though his version looked a little like ballet) and Gimli was dancing (though he added flatulence to his dance and everybody stayed away from him) and Gandalf was dancing (though he kept tripping over his beard) and soon everyone was dancing, including the women, children, and animals.

Unfortunately, all of that dancing and stomping caused a tremor in the ground, and Helm's Shack collapsed. Everybody stopped dancing and stared at the large pile of rubble. "We're all a bunch of idiots," Theoden remarked.


	19. Home Sweet Home

I am _extremely_ sorry, everyone. I just can't apologize enough. I hope I can be forgiven for the long wait I made everyone suffer through for this chapter. I've been working on other things and this just hasn't been on my mind lately. The next chapter probably won't come for a long time either, so feel free to scold me.

* * *

Chapter Nineteen: Home Sweet Home

Everybody fought bravely at Helm's Shack (even though the shack ended up collapsing anyway), but that wasn't the last battle to be fought. Treebeard, Merry, Pippin, and various other Ents arrived at Skittleman's tree-house. Treebeard looked at the wizard's home with rage.

"That stupid lumberjack/wizard/many colored fool used some of my friends to build that tree-house! Darn him to Mandos! This means war!"

"All because of some stupid trees?" Pippin asked.

"Yes," Treebeard said. "Now be a good little Magical Hob and do as I say, or else I'll force you to sit through an Ent Meeting."

Pippin shuddered. "No! I'll do anything! Anything but be forced to listen to a bunch of trees spend several hours greeting each other! It's just not natural! Not natural, I tell you!"

Meanwhile, Skittleman looked out the window of his tree-house and saw a very strange sight. "Hey, Grima. There's a bunch of Ents in our yard."

"You lie!" snarled Grima.

"I do not! See for yourself!"

"Hmph. You lie." But Grima looked out the window anyway, and what he saw made him soak his pants right through. "Er... do you have an extra pair of pants I can change into?"

"Nope, I sold them for some magic beans. You should have thought twice before allowing yourself to behave so cowardly."

The Ents continued to wreak havoc while Skittleman and Grima cowered in fright. "We just broke the dam!" the Ents happily announced.

"Hey, no swearing!" Skittleman yelled.

"We didn't swear!" the Ents protested.

"Yes you did!"

The Ents were confused and they all exchanged puzzled. "But we swear we never did!"

"Aha!" Skittleman shouted triumphantly. "You just said that you swear!"

"Darn you, Skittleman!" the Ents yelled angrily.

Over the next several hours, all the Super Sporks were killed, the place was flooded, and Skittleman's tree-house was completely burned down. "Oh great, I've got no house," Skittleman complained.

"You lie," Grima commented wisely.

Skittleman kicked him. "Shut your mouth! Where are we supposed to live now?"

"How come you two live together anyway?" Treebeard wanted to know. "Two men living together in a small little tree-house kind of gives people the wrong idea."

"Hey, Merry, how come we never got suspicious of Frodo and Bilbo?" Pippin asked. "Before Bilbo moved away, they used to be two men living together all alone in one Hob Hillock."

"Maybe that's why Frodo never seemed interested in girls..." Merry said.

Treebeard whacked the two Magical Hobs on the head. "End of the discussion! That is just plain wrong and you will not be discussing that subject any further, or else the rating of this stupid story will have to go up! Now shut your mouths!"

Merry and Pippin looked terrified and did not say another word.

Skittleman threw a rock at Treebeard. "Hey, you! What am I supposed to do now? I haven't got a home. I'm a hobo now!"

"We can move to the city and dance in the street for money!" Grima suggested.

Skittleman thought that idea over. "Hmm... I am quite an accomplished break-dancer... Not no. I refuse to be some mere form of cheap entertainment. There is only one solution to our problem."

"You lie!"

"Shut up, Grima and let me get to the point! As I was saying, there is only one solution to our problem."

"What is it?"

Skittleman allowed a dramatic pause, and then spoke. "We have to camp out in a tent from now on!" He pulled a tent out of nowhere and started to set it up. "Grima, help me set up camp."

Grima clapped his hands in glee. "Oh, goody! It will be just like being in the Boy Scouts again!"

"I never knew you were a Boy Scout," Skittleman said.

"I was one for a short time, until the marshmallow roasting incident. I accidentally shoved my roasting stick, marshmallow included, up the scoutmaster's rear. They kicked me out of the Boy Scouts and I never went back."

Skittleman looked highly disturbed. "Interesting. I'm not asking any more questions."

"You lie!"

"Stop that!"

"You lie!"

Skittleman grabbed a sock and stuffed it into Grima's mouth. "Just shut up already!" He glared at all the Ents. "Well what are you freaks still doing on my lawn? This is private property and you're trespassing! Remove yourselves immediately or you'll be attacked by my lawn gnome!" He pointed at the lawn gnome, which sat in front of their tent and looked at everyone with a sadistic grin/sadistic snarl.

"Ha!" laughed Treebeard. "Lawn gnomes don't scare me!"

"Oh yeah?" said Skittleman. "Well he challenges you to a staring contest."

"Bring it on!" shouted Treebeard.

He crouched down and looked at the lawn gnome. The gnome leered scarily back at him. Treebeard continued to stare at him. The gnome continued to stare back. Suddenly Treebeard turned around and started running.

"AAAAGGGHHHH! It's just so scary! Get it away!"

The lawn gnome leered triumphantly. Skittleman patted it on the head. "Good boy." The lawn gnome stared creepily back at him. Skittleman hastily looked away from it and took several huge steps backward. "That thing really is scary."

"We'll leave already!" Treebeard wailed. "Just don't make me face that gnome again!"

Skittleman shrugged. "Deal."

A sock was suddenly flung at Skittleman's head. "You lie!"

"Shut up, Grima!"


End file.
